The job offer, part 1: emotions

I got a job offer. No. I got an offer to venture into a business. I had so many emotions when it happened, joy, fear, hope, despair, itchiness for action, reality obliviousness, yearning for learning, etc. I didn’t consult Mos then. Maybe there was no time, but I regret not writing my thoughts down when emotions were still high.

With the time’s pass, all of those emotions reverted to my normal state of void. Really quickly. (I think, way back in my youth, I was brainwashed into thinking all emotions were bad, so I tried to repress them. Now it shows.) Still, I want to sort them through.

First, I think, there was euphoria.
That someone would pick me, for the things I would like to do, with whom I would like to work, no questions asked. I was so happy someone liked me. You know, like the picture of a too-many-times beaten dog in a corner that someone offers a pat? I shouldn’t feel beaten, my life is not that bad, but I do.
Of course, I didn’t just blindly say yes. I nearly said yes. And I said I’d think about it. And I was grinning from ear to ear.

Then, there was distrust.
There’s gotta be something wrong. I can’t just get something I like without there being a catch. Can I?

Zeal, stubbornness.
I thought I could just take action and think about my actions later. I wanted to do it. I wanted to create my own business, to be a boss, to create the structure of the company I think is right, to create standardisation that enables growth. I believed (I still do) that I am able to build such a company.
Normally, I don’t believe I’m capable of anything. It felt right. But it was a zeal over a specific time in the company’s life that didn’t exist yet. Thus, the stubbornness.

Emotional ping-pong.

Soon, the fear crawled back. I’m ever cautious. Over-cautious. How can I do it? Can I do it? Must I do it? Can’t it be somebody else? Fear of responsibility. Fear of dragging someone down. My friend finds me capable, I regard myself lazy and slow. He’s an optimist, the polar opposite of me. I fear to make him miserable.
I’m a bit crazy, have no feeling for money – I spend too much, I want to pursue different goals in the long run. My friend doesn’t think it would be a problem. I want to believe it but I fear I’m unreliable.
Everyone thinks I’m reliable and organised. They all judge upon my public interface. I can be an actor. All depressed people can. All perfect on the outside, all rotten inside. And I wanted total openness and frankness with people with whom I go into business together. Did I fear he would think of me less when he gets to know me more? Did I think I would think less of him when I find out I cannot work with a polar opposite? Did I think I wouldn’t be able to be frank for long? Or, that only I would be frank and he would be a diplomatic ass?

You see, I have less obsessed with the business part than with my personality part. I came out of depression for the time I considered going into the business. Just the itchiness for action, positivity, proactivity.

I am confused. I have successfully put myself into a confused mode.
I anticipated my husband would be the hardest opposition, but he said I should do it. Never mind that he said it like “yes, you are lazy and waste your talents, doing nothing, so this is the opportunity to be a somebody. I’ll support you”. It hurt less then, when I was high from happiness that someone else thought me worthy, than it does now.

I’m angry. At my husband that he’s supportive from such a perspective. I’m angry at everyone. No one knows me. (I never have shown anyone who I am, so this is just my fault.) I’m angry at myself that I don’t know myself anymore. Am I a businessman or a loser? An action-taker or a whiney thinker? Once, I was confident. That was a long time ago, when I was a child. I don’t remember being depressed then.

Wouldn’t it be better to be oblivious to my imperfections than to doubt everything I see, feel, and think? Gaah, I’m going crazy. Crazier.

It’s exhausting. I’m going back to depression. It’s safer to do nothing, right?

I know this much that taking action is a cure for depression. So, what I’m waiting for?

The reasons against doing a business will be discussed in the next session.

 

Absent – on a work leave

My maternity leave has ended. Vacation started and has ended. Work has started. My blog has suffered a leave of absence.

I was so sure I’d be writing MOS regardless of what I do during the day. Wrong. There is a difference between being a stay at home mum and being a working mum. There are perks to each. In regard to being depressed or not, I choose work. I haven’t been as depressed because I had so much to do and little time to ponder. Of course, there’s still the same amount of work to be done on my issues. Different content, different flavours and triggers, but mostly same issues as before. More insight, less time to comb through a tangled mess of my thoughts.

I did three-quarters of my next-in-line homework but never posted. It says 9 August. It must wait.  A lot has happened since I last posted. That must take priority. I’ll give you a blurb. Anney Bird’s real-life persona got a job offer. And a lot of compliments that she’s reluctant to take. A lot of thinking due…

I missed writing. Thus the clichés, and complicated words and sentences. Grammarly caught up with my inactivity, at last. Let’s see what it says tomorrow, in my weekly report.

P.s. I still have guilt over not posting, a need to prove myself to you. I shouldn’t. I should do it for myself, and the blog should just be a media type to do so. But… it is also a good thing. My guilt forces me to write eventually unless I want my few readers to pack and flee from boredom.

Well then, not so few words I hoped to write. I need to work on my eloquence, too. All in its own time.

 

TS 3: Dealing with a peculiar panic attack

I woke my own shrink in the middle of the night. Luckily, MOS is I.

This is just wonderful, having myself for a shrink. If I feel for a session in the middle of the night, I can do it, no resentment. Continue reading TS 3: Dealing with a peculiar panic attack

The tornado, so-called Mum

I wasn’t in too good a mood to start with.

My mother called by yesterday to check in on me and my (ill) children. It all looked it’d go for the better. She held my baby for me so I could go to the bathroom (for two days my girl was clinging to me any given second, even during sleep). She was playing with my son, we talked a little and then she declared she must go. Okay … my face fell. I was a bit clingy myself.
I fear to be alone with my children. I feel I’m not enough to keep them occupied, not caring enough to discern their needs, not motherly enough to enjoy spending time with them. I like someone to be around so they can step in if I screw up. So … Continue reading The tornado, so-called Mum

TS 2: Accused of bad parenting

Hi Mos, I need help.

Of course. What’s the matter? 

I was attacked the other day for my inadequate handling of my child. I’ll just describe what happened because I don’t know what to think of it. Continue reading TS 2: Accused of bad parenting

Homework, HW 1

I’ve procrastinated this a long time. 9 days. Just because it’s homework.

I need to write down the examples of my GI (guilt-induced) depression manifestations. Or something. I’ll do a list and brainstorm a few days more (day 9, 11):

  • When I (e.g.) write blog posts and neglect the care for my family (or rather when the circumstances are against me – when I don’t have time for both and pick the wrong choice). Why guilt? Because I should have my family as a priority, not my pursuits. But if I don’t follow pursuits, I might never do anything but taking care of my children. My husband has been always a second fiddle, which is a whole new chapter to tackle. The guilt of being selfish. Stealing time from others.
  • When I eat ice cream or other sweets. When I give them to my children. I know sugar is harmful, a drug. I know I feel bad when I indulge. I know I’m hurting my children with it. I know my daughter shouldn’t eat sugar at least for another year. We’ve decided upon no-sugar policy at home. And I undermine my husband’s efforts. He tries not to eat sweets. But I somehow ignore all this. And after I eat or give sweets, I feel guilty.
  • When I (not) do something that can have harmful consequences in the long run. E.g. not check my boy for ticks when he was through the bushes (ticks in our part of the world are high percent infected). Or not lowering my baby’s mattress when she could fall over the guardrail. Procrastinating those tasks for some days and feeling more and more guilty. At least until I drop the guilt and become resigned at myself.
  • When boasting of something and not finishing on time, then remembering it occasionally and feeling mild guilt. E.g. not organising the hall closet and having the stuff that was supposed to go in it all over the apartment. I don’t feel as guilty because everyone already knows I don’t finish tasks and if I didn’t do it isn’t life threatening.
  • When promising something (like buying sth. in a grocery or sending an important email) and then forgetting. It has to do with high standards, which I hold up to, or just being a perfectionist. I sort of diminished this type of guilt by not promising anyone anything. Not really a heroic solution, but hey, whatever helps.
  • I feel a bit guilty of not being a mother/wife/daughter-in-law/employee as I should. I probably should look into this self-conscious perfectionistic type of guilt. It’s just a feeling. What I should be vs. who I am. Because I probably don’t know who I am. I guess, my adolescence wasn’t as successful as it should (here we go again).

 

I think I covered the most of it – to recap:

  • me vs. others (the limits of one’s freedom, by both parties consensus);
  • doing harmful stuff, mostly indulging in sweets (could be some other addiction);
  • risking the health/lives of others (s.o. is dependent on me);
  • not following through my own plans;
  • promising but not delivering (not being the person I once was / want to be / think I am);
  • me vs. others (who I am vs. what I should be according to others, which I might not agree with).

I’m pleased with my homework. I should now take each item on the list and expand (analyse) it into its own post/therapy session.
Am I on the right track? I don’t know but must stick with the system I imagined.

Chaos and entropy – the enemies?

Entropy is the term describing the lack of order or predictability, a gradual decline into disorder.

An hour ago I was reading the newest post from James Clear which is all about entropy and “why life always seems to get more complicated”. Clear always writes concisely (and clear:)) so I won’t do a recap, you better read it yourselves. I’ll tell you how it relates to me, though. Continue reading Chaos and entropy – the enemies?