Towards gaining self-esteem

Thoughts I have occasionally:

I’m such an awful person, it’s better I’d be dead or far away from doing damage.

I’m such a different person than everybody else, I’ve hard time fitting in and I always struggle.

The talk-back:

But yet again, different is not bad, different is good for the mass. I’m on the far side of a Gaussian distribution. We were always told the far side was better than the anonimity of the majority.

If nothing else, the few specimen that are out of the majority are at least good for biological (or sociological) diversity.

So I only need to find my place and use in this world.

The next bout of insidious thoughts:

If I don’t find a use for me, my diversity is for nought.

If I do find my use, but don’t do anything to be useful (like now), then I’m wasting my life. It will be taken from me (aka I’ll get terminally ill).

No conclusion yet:

I know I shouldn’t be thinking in this way, but this line of thoughts pops up a lot. I’m acknowledging it here, but I I’ll yet to think the way out.

Strokes of insight

Depression is like a call for acknowledgement, at least in a way, at least to me.
It’s a bit like “Look at me, I’m depressed, won’t you help me?!”

It’s a cry for help. (By the way, we (I) hide it. So no one actually hears this cry.) Many times, I feel depression as a tantrum. I want someone to notice, someone to see me as I am, to stand beside me and to comfort me. I’m too proud to point it out. Or maybe I believe only if someone noticed by themselves, would it mean they care about me. Then when I notice what I’m doing, I start to hate myself for it.

Most of the time, people don’t notice. This is the first fault in such my behaviour (using depression as a tool for getting attention). And again, one of the reasons I get depressed is not being independent. (Or, what came first, the chicken or the egg?) This is the second fault in my behaviour. I should start to learn to deal with my own problems. There’s nobody to do it for me.

What am I now? Sad? Angry?
I’m mostly satisfied to have analysed this thought.

Dream analisis 4

I’ll be quick (so I thought). No time for deep scrutiny (still true, but…).

A few days ago (maybe a month or more ago*) I dreamt about visiting my former workplace. I met the boss and owner, and one of the superiors (female). Needless to say, I haven’t resolved the relationships with any of them. The owner is a seasoned and experienced man, skilled in business, short in stature but intimidating in his stares.

The boss offered me to come back, the superior was pregnant. Both actions/states uncharacteristic of them.

1. I want and ever wanted the approval. So the boss’ invitation would mean I was okay as a person, as an employee.  It’s probably also about my past colliding with present problems, aka about my present job and my current (stagnant) career. Wouldn’t it be nice someone would suddenly realise you were such a wonderful person and wanted you back? And then you woke up. It sucks, coming back to the real life.

2. I think the superior had issues with me (and others). She was quite ambitious, volunteering for the tasks/projects others were meant for. I think she was a bit jealous when I (the lowly employee) got to be present at the meetings about document computer structure. These meetings were usually for the superiors, but I had shown an interest in folders and the computer program we used. I was a nuisance about organising and stuff, nobody likes someone else’s order imposed on them. The boss started the task delegation by, “I see you’re interested in …” I wanted to disappear. I wasn’t interested, I’m mentally challenged on it. I’ve OCD or something, and it bothers me to the point of pain to see files unorganised. Well, I got the job and was pushed into the shark tank. Not that the job itself was bad. The attention was somewhat bad. And not finishing the job was even worse. I still don’t know whether not finishing was the sole reason I was fired, or the superior said something out of jealousy, or was it the general crisis and I was the last-to-be-hired-the-first-to-be-fired, or was it my non-conformity that sealed it.
So, too long a background.
I’m obviously convinced the superior (I never actually worked under her command) had something to do with my firing. Or so the dream suggests. (Other employees weren’t in the dream).
Maybe, if she had a baby, it would mean she’s like me. Not as uptight and ambitious anymore. In the dream, she was also genuinely happy and nice. And she had her hair dyed light brown, not blond as in the real life. Whatever this means. It was the colour my cousin used for a time.

A thought just passed my mind. I hate myself for dreaming such dreams. For dreaming about what would be nice but isn’t. For trying to fit two beliefs into one – about the belief certain people are bad and about the belief no person is bad.
I try to acknowledge such thoughts, in order to heal from depression. But mostly I hate myself for being in such conflicts. For some other therapy session.

Breathe in, breathe out, tell yourself you’re doing well, you’re doing something, after all.


*I started to write this as soon as I had time after the dream. Unfortunately, my life at present is time-focus-complicated and I completely forgot about it. Today I can’t sleep (although exhausted) and I decided to work. Alay, I found this post, frozen in the edit mode. Bless the WordPress, it still works.

Since some work has been done, and for the record, I’m finishing the post. However, whatever. I love writing.

 

A little hoarder

I think, on average, people tend to be hoarders more than the opposite. Whether you are a hoarder depends on a definition of when the hoarding starts to be obstructive, impeding.

My hoarding is impeding. It’s been clear to me for a long time I need to do something about it. My belongings take up more space than what’s my home. I dumped a few things at my mother-in-law’s and I used to have a storage at my grandmother’s before my mother claimed that space and showed me the door. Now, most of that is in my basement.

I’ll skip the details for those of you who can relate. The ones who cannot – you probably don’t read this. Continue reading A little hoarder

Indecision will be the death of me

I’m reading posts from other people instead of writing my own.

It’s not procrastination. I shouldn’t be doing neither.

I should be either: a. freelancing a project that is due this week, b. going over to my office to do work I haven’t finished today and my colleague would need to do tomorrow (because I took a day off), c. baking some cake for my birthday tomorrow, or, d. sleeping (it’s 2 am in the morning).

Ad a.
I’m not freelancing because the software I need is in the room where my husband is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him. He’s quite jumpy and has trouble sleeping in general.

Ad b.
I’m not in my office because it’s 2 am. The light would attract security / Someone might need me at home. I’m anxious. (Is this my equivalent of the jumpy?)

I should go there early in the morning before anybody else gets there. But I’ll be sleepy, duh.

Ad c.
I never bake. Why should today be any different? My priorities are all mixed up.
I want everyone to praise me. I’m so vain. To praise me for baking a superb cake (which I never yet tried to bake) and to praise me for baking when I never bake.
Due to this sinful reason, I’m not succumbing to doing this task. If it were for some other reason then maybe.

Ad d.
I’m not sleeping because … why actually? Because I’m stupid, cannot decide, and by being awake I pretend I did something useful.

I procrastinate all of the above, even being sane. Because sleep means sane.

Why am I like this? I’ll hate myself so much tomorrow morning. Now I’m just incredulous.

Be well, all the sane, other ones. You people.

 

TS 4: No conclusion

Hi Mos, long time no see.

Time’s relative. You shouldn’t blame yourself. You do what you can with the resources you have. Do you have any special topic to discuss? 

No. I just think I need to speak to someone. I’m again tilting toward the blue. It was okay for a while but I haven’t really solved any issues and you can’t expect Dee would just go away.

Let’s talk then. You talk, I give structure, all right? 

I haven’t done my homework. I’ve been thinking I shouldn’t link my homework and therapy sessions. As it is, I wait to do a TS until my HW is done. But then I do HW perfectionistic and procrastinate TS. I need TSs. Sometimes I need them more than homework.
And again, I want TSs to be readable, so people who might give them a try wouldn’t say it was a waste of their time.

You shouldn’t do what you think people want (they might not want it at all). You should do what’s best for you. 

— [Jack] — And you shouldn’t say should, as a therapist.  Continue reading TS 4: No conclusion

Between Scylla and Charybdis

In short – between depression and anxiety.
I experience both but I came to appreciate the anxiety contribution to my overall wretchedness only lately. (Blah, what a sentence! I’m ashamed and proud of it at the same time.)

I thought I had depression and that’s it. These days I realised my anxiety might be stronger.

I was highly anxious for some time, being both unable to live with myself and obnoxious to others. Let’s say that it’s been unbearable for two weeks. Then I made a big mistake at work and my boss lectured me. That day I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to have a therapy session but I didn’t have time to write. (I didn’t want to take away from my sleeping time since I knew my feelings would be worse.) I must state that the mistake was mine and I was guilty as charged. The boss said, “Correct and send one paper”, I corrected one, looked the second one and thought it was okay, so I sent two for a good measure. The second was faulty and my boss heard from the investors and my anxiety beat everything else. Dee went crawling under the bed with its tail between its legs.

Funny, how I’m a stress-eater, but when the anxiety rises above a certain tolerance level, I lose my appetite. Other people lose theirs sooner.

What did I want to say? Ah, yes.
I thought I was just a perfectionist. I now know I’m a perfectionist because of anxiety also. I worry too much about the outcome of my actions. And because I don’t want to be this way I experience constant existential crisis which results in depression. Maybe.

I thought I can’t possibly have the anxiety disorder, I don’t have problems sleeping. Well, between a rock and a hard place, I sleep a lot due to depression, and I’m tired more due to anxiety, therefore I sleep and dream and fret… What’s this if not the problems with sleeping?

I hate myself a lot. Why can’t I do what I’m told? I can’t say I won’t do the same mistake the next time and this drives me crazy.

I’m avoiding mistakes this much that it’s a mistake in itself. I’m nauseated when even thinking about it.

On the bright side, during the last two days since I was admonished, my anxiety has lowered and my depression has risen to the “normal” levels. Ole same, ole same.

p.s. I added ‘Anxiety’ to my categories.

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety
12 Signs You May Have an Anxiety Disorder