TS4: No conclusion

Hi Mos, long time no see.

Time’s relative. You shouldn’t blame yourself. You do what you can with the resources you have. Do you have any special topic to discuss? 

No. I just think I need to speak to someone. I’m again tilting toward the blue. It was okay for awhile but I haven’t really solved any issues and you can’t expect Dee would just go away.

Let’s talk then. You talk, I give structure, all right? 

I haven’t done my homework. I’ve been thinking I shouldn’t link my homework and therapy sessions. As it is, I wait to do a TS until my HW is done. But then I do HW perfectionistic and procrastinate TS. I need TSs. Sometimes I need them more than homeworks.
And again, I want TSs to be readable, so people who might give them a try wouldn’t say it was a waste of their time.

You shouldn’t do what you think people want (they might not want it at all). You should do what’s best for you. 

— [Jack] — And you shouldn’t say should, as a therapist.  Continue reading TS4: No conclusion

Between Scylla and Charybdis

In short – between depression and anxiety.
I experience both but I came to appreciate the anxiety contribution to my overall wretchedness only lately. (Blah, what a sentence! I’m ashamed and proud of it at the same time.)

I thought I had depression and that’s it. These days I realised my anxiety might be stronger.

I was highly anxious for some time, being both unable to live with myself and obnoxious to others. Let’s say that it’s been unbearable for two weeks. Then I made a big mistake at work and my boss lectured me. That day I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to have a therapy session but I didn’t have time to write. (I didn’t want to take away from my sleeping time since I knew my feelings would be worse.) I must state that the mistake was mine and I was guilty as charged. The boss said, “Correct and send one paper”, I corrected one, looked the second one and thought it was okay, so I sent two for a good measure. The second was faulty and my boss heard from the investors and my anxiety beat everything else. Dee went crawling under the bed with its tail between its legs.

Funny, how I’m a stress-eater, but when the anxiety rises above a certain tolerance level, I lose my appetite. Other people lose theirs sooner.

What did I want to say? Ah, yes.
I thought I was just a perfectionist. I now know I’m a perfectionist because of anxiety also. I worry too much about the outcome of my actions. And because I don’t want to be this way I experience constant existential crisis which results in depression. Maybe.

I thought I can’t possibly have the anxiety disorder, I don’t have problems sleeping. Well, between a rock and a hard place, I sleep a lot due to depression, and I’m tired more due to anxiety, therefore I sleep and dream and fret… What’s this if not the problems with sleeping?

I hate myself a lot. Why can’t I do what I’m told? I can’t say I won’t do the same mistake the next time and this drives me crazy.

I’m avoiding mistakes this much that it’s a mistake in itself. I’m nauseated when even thinking about it.

On the bright side, during the last two days since I was admonished, my anxiety has lowered and my depression has risen to the “normal” levels. Ole same, ole same.

p.s. I added ‘Anxiety’ to my categories.

_ _ _ _ _

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety
12 Signs You May Have an Anxiety Disorder

 

Intermezzo

I came to my computer to blog, I got lost in the web. I’ve looked up some Christmas gifts ideas and read a few blog posts. One really long and I skipped a lot of it, understood little of it. Now it’s about an hour after the health recommended sleep curfew. Maybe two.

I’ve been exhausted, emotionally unstable and more depressed in general than I was in a long time. I’ve had a hypnopompic hallucination again. Low motivation. I think less sleep, less healthy food and vitamins, and more work-related stress are likely causes. No time to digest what’s happening.
Knowing the cause doesn’t diminish depression’s effect, though. I wish to postpone writing today. I have a few topics already in line. Each of them is long to write and I want to have a clear head when tackling them. Otherwise, their analytic benefits would be null – plain babbling. Like now.

I’m only writing this because I’m stubborn. To diminish procrastination and perfectionism. Because I miss writing. Usually, I love writing. Now I’m too tired and I’ll stick a tongue to everything and everyone, and I’ll be immature. Now I’ll go to sleep.

And I miss Jack and Don. I guess I need some energy, too, to hear them.

HW 2: Low self-esteem

This is one of the universally occurring traits of depressed people. Maybe not all depressed people have low self-esteem but those who have are innumerable.

I haven’t given this much thought before I started this blog. I’ve thought about many of my traits, about reasons behind my depression attacks and so forth. But I’ve always just taken it for a given, having low self-esteem.

Well, time to check it. I believe in change. I believe I can change. I believe I can change my low self-esteem into … not so low self-esteem.  Continue reading HW 2: Low self-esteem

The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms

The time of choosing the safe vs. the right-for-me came.
My first employment in the new not-even-started-yet business was my ole friends, the brothers Defence Mechanisms (DMs).*

I think I should look into the DMs deeper and elsewhen** longer. They are a big chunk to chew off my psyche cake. But for now, suffice it to say, being forced to choose felt like I was tied in a cage and wriggling to get free.  I repressed the feelings, I intellectualise them (still), and so on. I chose something, just to get free, which is more than usual when I just postpone the decision. Or did I choose?

Just writing this, my level of anxiety rises. Repress, rinse, repeat. (Funny, I should call my DMs poison of choice the RRR procedure.) Continue reading The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms

The job offer, part 1: emotions

I got a job offer. No. I got an offer to venture into a business. I had so many emotions when it happened, joy, fear, hope, despair, itchiness for action, reality obliviousness, yearning for learning, etc. I didn’t consult Mos then. Maybe there was no time, but I regret not writing my thoughts down when emotions were still high.

With the time’s pass, all of those emotions reverted to my normal state of void. Really quickly. (I think, way back in my youth, I was brainwashed into thinking all emotions were bad, so I tried to repress them. Now it shows.) Still, I want to sort them through. Continue reading The job offer, part 1: emotions

Absent – on a work leave

My maternity leave has ended. Vacation started and has ended. Work has started. My blog has suffered a leave of absence.

I was so sure I’d be writing MOS regardless of what I do during the day. Wrong. There is a difference between being a stay at home mum and being a working mum. There are perks to each. In regard to being depressed or not, I choose work. I haven’t been as depressed because I had so much to do and little time to ponder. Of course, there’s still the same amount of work to be done on my issues. Different content, different flavours and triggers, but mostly same issues as before. More insight, less time to comb through a tangled mess of my thoughts.

I did three-quarters of my next-in-line homework but never posted. It says 9 August. It must wait.  A lot has happened since I last posted. That must take priority. I’ll give you a blurb. Anney Bird’s real-life persona got a job offer. And a lot of compliments that she’s reluctant to take. A lot of thinking due…

I missed writing. Thus the clichés, and complicated words and sentences. Grammarly caught up with my inactivity, at last. Let’s see what it says tomorrow, in my weekly report.

P.s. I still have guilt over not posting, a need to prove myself to you. I shouldn’t. I should do it for myself, and the blog should just be a media type to do so. But… it is also a good thing. My guilt forces me to write eventually unless I want my few readers to pack and flee from boredom.

Well then, not so few words I hoped to write. I need to work on my eloquence, too. All in its own time.