A little hoarder

I think, on average, people tend to be hoarders more than the opposite. Whether you are a hoarder depends on a definition of when the hoarding starts to be obstructive, impeding.

My hoarding is impeding. It’s been clear to me for a long time I need to do something about it. My belongings take up more space than what’s my home. I dumped a few things at my mother-in-law’s and I used to have a storage at my grandmother’s before my mother claimed that space and showed me the door. Now, most of that is in my basement.

I’ll skip the details for those of you who can relate. The ones who cannot – you probably don’t read this. Continue reading A little hoarder

Indecision will be the death of me

I’m reading posts from other people instead of writing my own.

It’s not procrastination. I shouldn’t be doing neither.

I should be either: a. freelancing a project that is due this week, b. going over to my office to do work I haven’t finished today and my colleague would need to do tomorrow (because I took a day off), c. baking some cake for my birthday tomorrow, or, d. sleeping (it’s 2 am in the morning).

Ad a.
I’m not freelancing because the software I need is in the room where my husband is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him. He’s quite jumpy and has trouble sleeping in general.

Ad b.
I’m not in my office because it’s 2 am. The light would attract security / Someone might need me at home. I’m anxious. (Is this my equivalent of the jumpy?)

I should go there early in the morning before anybody else gets there. But I’ll be sleepy, duh.

Ad c.
I never bake. Why should today be any different? My priorities are all mixed up.
I want everyone to praise me. I’m so vain. To praise me for baking a superb cake (which I never yet tried to bake) and to praise me for baking when I never bake.
Due to this sinful reason, I’m not succumbing to doing this task. If it were for some other reason then maybe.

Ad d.
I’m not sleeping because … why actually? Because I’m stupid, cannot decide, and by being awake I pretend I did something useful.

I procrastinate all of the above, even being sane. Because sleep means sane.

Why am I like this? I’ll hate myself so much tomorrow morning. Now I’m just incredulous.

Be well, all the sane, other ones. You people.

 

TS4: No conclusion

Hi Mos, long time no see.

Time’s relative. You shouldn’t blame yourself. You do what you can with the resources you have. Do you have any special topic to discuss? 

No. I just think I need to speak to someone. I’m again tilting toward the blue. It was okay for awhile but I haven’t really solved any issues and you can’t expect Dee would just go away.

Let’s talk then. You talk, I give structure, all right? 

I haven’t done my homework. I’ve been thinking I shouldn’t link my homework and therapy sessions. As it is, I wait to do a TS until my HW is done. But then I do HW perfectionistic and procrastinate TS. I need TSs. Sometimes I need them more than homeworks.
And again, I want TSs to be readable, so people who might give them a try wouldn’t say it was a waste of their time.

You shouldn’t do what you think people want (they might not want it at all). You should do what’s best for you. 

— [Jack] — And you shouldn’t say should, as a therapist.  Continue reading TS4: No conclusion

Between Scylla and Charybdis

In short – between depression and anxiety.
I experience both but I came to appreciate the anxiety contribution to my overall wretchedness only lately. (Blah, what a sentence! I’m ashamed and proud of it at the same time.)

I thought I had depression and that’s it. These days I realised my anxiety might be stronger.

I was highly anxious for some time, being both unable to live with myself and obnoxious to others. Let’s say that it’s been unbearable for two weeks. Then I made a big mistake at work and my boss lectured me. That day I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to have a therapy session but I didn’t have time to write. (I didn’t want to take away from my sleeping time since I knew my feelings would be worse.) I must state that the mistake was mine and I was guilty as charged. The boss said, “Correct and send one paper”, I corrected one, looked the second one and thought it was okay, so I sent two for a good measure. The second was faulty and my boss heard from the investors and my anxiety beat everything else. Dee went crawling under the bed with its tail between its legs.

Funny, how I’m a stress-eater, but when the anxiety rises above a certain tolerance level, I lose my appetite. Other people lose theirs sooner.

What did I want to say? Ah, yes.
I thought I was just a perfectionist. I now know I’m a perfectionist because of anxiety also. I worry too much about the outcome of my actions. And because I don’t want to be this way I experience constant existential crisis which results in depression. Maybe.

I thought I can’t possibly have the anxiety disorder, I don’t have problems sleeping. Well, between a rock and a hard place, I sleep a lot due to depression, and I’m tired more due to anxiety, therefore I sleep and dream and fret… What’s this if not the problems with sleeping?

I hate myself a lot. Why can’t I do what I’m told? I can’t say I won’t do the same mistake the next time and this drives me crazy.

I’m avoiding mistakes this much that it’s a mistake in itself. I’m nauseated when even thinking about it.

On the bright side, during the last two days since I was admonished, my anxiety has lowered and my depression has risen to the “normal” levels. Ole same, ole same.

p.s. I added ‘Anxiety’ to my categories.

_ _ _ _ _

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety
12 Signs You May Have an Anxiety Disorder

 

Intermezzo

I came to my computer to blog, I got lost in the web. I’ve looked up some Christmas gifts ideas and read a few blog posts. One really long and I skipped a lot of it, understood little of it. Now it’s about an hour after the health recommended sleep curfew. Maybe two.

I’ve been exhausted, emotionally unstable and more depressed in general than I was in a long time. I’ve had a hypnopompic hallucination again. Low motivation. I think less sleep, less healthy food and vitamins, and more work-related stress are likely causes. No time to digest what’s happening.
Knowing the cause doesn’t diminish depression’s effect, though. I wish to postpone writing today. I have a few topics already in line. Each of them is long to write and I want to have a clear head when tackling them. Otherwise, their analytic benefits would be null – plain babbling. Like now.

I’m only writing this because I’m stubborn. To diminish procrastination and perfectionism. Because I miss writing. Usually, I love writing. Now I’m too tired and I’ll stick a tongue to everything and everyone, and I’ll be immature. Now I’ll go to sleep.

And I miss Jack and Don. I guess I need some energy, too, to hear them.

HW 2: Low self-esteem

This is one of the universally occurring traits of depressed people. Maybe not all depressed people have low self-esteem but those who have are innumerable.

I haven’t given this much thought before I started this blog. I’ve thought about many of my traits, about reasons behind my depression attacks and so forth. But I’ve always just taken it for a given, having low self-esteem.

Well, time to check it. I believe in change. I believe I can change. I believe I can change my low self-esteem into … not so low self-esteem.  Continue reading HW 2: Low self-esteem

The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms

The time of choosing the safe vs. the right-for-me came.
My first employment in the new not-even-started-yet business was my ole friends, the brothers Defence Mechanisms (DMs).*

I think I should look into the DMs deeper and elsewhen** longer. They are a big chunk to chew off my psyche cake. But for now, suffice it to say, being forced to choose felt like I was tied in a cage and wriggling to get free.  I repressed the feelings, I intellectualise them (still), and so on. I chose something, just to get free, which is more than usual when I just postpone the decision. Or did I choose?

Just writing this, my level of anxiety rises. Repress, rinse, repeat. (Funny, I should call my DMs poison of choice the RRR procedure.) Continue reading The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms