This is one of the universally occurring traits of depressed people. Maybe not all depressed people have low self-esteem but those who have are innumerable.
I haven’t given this much thought before I started this blog. I’ve thought about many of my traits, about reasons behind my depression attacks and so forth. But I’ve always just taken it for a given, having low self-esteem.
Well, time to check it. I believe in change. I believe I can change. I believe I can change my low self-esteem into … not so low self-esteem. Continue reading HW 2: Low self-esteem
I’ve procrastinated this a long time. 9 days. Just because it’s homework.
I need to write down the examples of my GI (guilt-induced) depression manifestations. Or something. I’ll do a list and brainstorm a few days more (day 9, 11):
- When I (e.g.) write blog posts and neglect the care for my family (or rather when the circumstances are against me – when I don’t have time for both and pick the wrong choice). Why guilt? Because I should have my family as a priority, not my pursuits. But if I don’t follow pursuits, I might never do anything but taking care of my children. My husband has been always a second fiddle, which is a whole new chapter to tackle. The guilt of being selfish. Stealing time from others.
- When I eat ice cream or other sweets. When I give them to my children. I know sugar is harmful, a drug. I know I feel bad when I indulge. I know I’m hurting my children with it. I know my daughter shouldn’t eat sugar at least for another year. We’ve decided upon no-sugar policy at home. And I undermine my husband’s efforts. He tries not to eat sweets. But I somehow ignore all this. And after I eat or give sweets, I feel guilty.
- When I (not) do something that can have harmful consequences in the long run. E.g. not check my boy for ticks when he was through the bushes (ticks in our part of the world are high percent infected). Or not lowering my baby’s mattress when she could fall over the guardrail. Procrastinating those tasks for some days and feeling more and more guilty. At least until I drop the guilt and become resigned at myself.
- When boasting of something and not finishing on time, then remembering it occasionally and feeling mild guilt. E.g. not organising the hall closet and having the stuff that was supposed to go in it all over the apartment. I don’t feel as guilty because everyone already knows I don’t finish tasks and if I didn’t do it isn’t life threatening.
- When promising something (like buying sth. in a grocery or sending an important email) and then forgetting. It has to do with high standards, which I hold up to, or just being a perfectionist. I sort of diminished this type of guilt by not promising anyone anything. Not really a heroic solution, but hey, whatever helps.
- I feel a bit guilty of not being a mother/wife/daughter-in-law/employee as I should. I probably should look into this self-conscious perfectionistic type of guilt. It’s just a feeling. What I should be vs. who I am. Because I probably don’t know who I am. I guess, my adolescence wasn’t as successful as it should (here we go again).
I think I covered the most of it – to recap:
- me vs. others (the limits of one’s freedom, by both parties consensus);
- doing harmful stuff, mostly indulging in sweets (could be some other addiction);
- risking the health/lives of others (s.o. is dependent on me);
- not following through my own plans;
- promising but not delivering (not being the person I once was / want to be / think I am);
- me vs. others (who I am vs. what I should be according to others, which I might not agree with).
I’m pleased with my homework. I should now take each item on the list and expand (analyse) it into its own post/therapy session.
Am I on the right track? I don’t know but must stick with the system I imagined.