I’ll be quick (so I thought). No time for deep scrutiny (still true, but…). A few days ago (maybe a month or more ago*) I dreamt about visiting my former workplace. I met the boss and owner, and one of the superiors (female). Needless to say, I haven’t resolved the relationships with any of them. The owner is a seasoned and experienced man, skilled in business, short in stature but intimidating in his stares.
The boss offered me to come back, the superior was pregnant. Both actions/states uncharacteristic of them.
1. I want and ever wanted the approval. So the boss’ invitation would mean I was okay as a person, as an employee. It’s probably also about my past colliding with present problems, aka about my present job and my current (stagnant) career. Wouldn’t it be nice someone would suddenly realise you were such a wonderful person and wanted you back? And then you woke up. It sucks, coming back to the real life.
2. I think the superior had issues with me (and others). She was quite ambitious, volunteering for the tasks/projects others were meant for. I think she was a bit jealous when I (the lowly employee) got to be present at the meetings about document computer structure. These meetings were usually for the superiors, but I had shown an interest in folders and the computer program we used. I was a nuisance about organising and stuff, nobody likes someone else’s order imposed on them. The boss started the task delegation by, “I see you’re interested in …” I wanted to disappear. I wasn’t interested, I’m mentally challenged on it. I’ve OCD or something, and it bothers me to the point of pain to see files unorganised. Well, I got the job and was pushed into the shark tank. Not that the job itself was bad. The attention was somewhat bad. And not finishing the job was even worse. I still don’t know whether not finishing was the sole reason I was fired, or the superior said something out of jealousy, or was it the general crisis and I was the last-to-be-hired-the-first-to-be-fired, or was it my non-conformity that sealed it.
So, too long a background.
I’m obviously convinced the superior (I never actually worked under her command) had something to do with my firing. Or so the dream suggests. (Other employees weren’t in the dream).
Maybe, if she had a baby, it would mean she’s like me. Not as uptight and ambitious anymore. In the dream, she was also genuinely happy and nice. And she had her hair dyed light brown, not blond as in the real life. Whatever this means. It was the colour my cousin used for a time.
A thought just passed my mind. I hate myself for dreaming such dreams. For dreaming about what would be nice but isn’t. For trying to fit two beliefs into one – about the belief certain people are bad and about the belief no person is bad.
I try to acknowledge such thoughts, in order to heal from depression. But mostly I hate myself for being in such conflicts. For some other therapy session.
Breathe in, breathe out, tell yourself you’re doing well, you’re doing something, after all.
*I started to write this as soon as I had time after the dream. Unfortunately, my life at present is time-focus-complicated and I completely forgot about it. Today I can’t sleep (although exhausted) and I decided to work. Alay, I found this post, frozen in the edit mode. Bless the WordPress, it still works.
Since some work has been done, and for the record, I’m finishing the post. However, whatever. I love writing.