TS5: I haven’t posted in a long time

E.g. I haven’t had a therapy in a long time.
_ _ _ _ _ _

Hi, Mos.

You want me to scold you for not doing your homework. 

Yes, so I can apologise for not doing it.

I’m not your parent, I’m not your teacher, and you’re a grown-up. You answer only to yourself. 

But I am doing my homework. It just takes more time and other priorities interfere.

So you came here having therapy on homework? Or on responsibilities, or growing up?

— [Jack] — She is cranky. I didn’t know robots can be cranky. 

I guess she’s being sarcastic. And she’s smarter than us. She won’t reply to provocation.
I wanted to lament. I wanted to cry out how my life is awful, how I can’t do this, can’t do that… I want to throw things. Throw a tantrum for no reason. Mos probably doesn’t react to lamenting. She just waits for me to finish. Oh, it’s so cooling. How can I vent if there’s no audience?

— [Jack] — Maybe I can be of help. We’ll grab a soda and pop and we’ll go watch the stars, and you’ll pour your heart out, and no one will be there to spoil it. 

— [Don] — Ahem.

Except Don.

— [Jack] — Well, sure, you can come. We’ll get you drunk and you’ll be crying with us, you bloody chaperone. 

Watch your language.

— [Jack] — I was. 

Mos’s gone back to sleep. I should too. I don’t know what I was going to lament about, anyway. I wanted you to drop by, but now I’m tired. I want to end this therapy that isn’t therapy, shove you both into the unconscious again. Rude.

— [Jack] — Yeah, baby. But we love you. Go to sleep. 

You should be a reckless one, I expected you to say let’s party all night.

— [Jack] — But it’s no fun if you’re not up to it. Today I’m a romantic one. Same idealistic construct, not balanced for the real life. Different spectre, same guy. 

I love you.

— [Jack] — You know you’re talking to yourself, don’t you? So that means you love yourself, finally? 🙂 

😛

— [Don] — I love you too. 

I know you do. Even if it sounds like “I told you so”.
Jack, don’t do that! Sorry, Don. It’s just that Jack and I don’t like forced confessions. And don’t sulk. It’s too late in the night. Let’s be friends… Oh, well, I’m talking to myself. Too tired to keep a conversation running. Voices die off first when you’re on low batteries.

P.s. It’s 5 am, and I’m up since 1 or 2. OMG! I’ll suffer tomorrow.

Nighty night!

TS4: No conclusion

Hi Mos, long time no see.

Time’s relative. You shouldn’t blame yourself. You do what you can with the resources you have. Do you have any special topic to discuss? 

No. I just think I need to speak to someone. I’m again tilting toward the blue. It was okay for awhile but I haven’t really solved any issues and you can’t expect Dee would just go away.

Let’s talk then. You talk, I give structure, all right? 

I haven’t done my homework. I’ve been thinking I shouldn’t link my homework and therapy sessions. As it is, I wait to do a TS until my HW is done. But then I do HW perfectionistic and procrastinate TS. I need TSs. Sometimes I need them more than homeworks.
And again, I want TSs to be readable, so people who might give them a try wouldn’t say it was a waste of their time.

You shouldn’t do what you think people want (they might not want it at all). You should do what’s best for you. 

— [Jack] — And you shouldn’t say should, as a therapist.  Continue reading TS4: No conclusion

HW 2: Low self-esteem

This is one of the universally occurring traits of depressed people. Maybe not all depressed people have low self-esteem but those who have are innumerable.

I haven’t given this much thought before I started this blog. I’ve thought about many of my traits, about reasons behind my depression attacks and so forth. But I’ve always just taken it for a given, having low self-esteem.

Well, time to check it. I believe in change. I believe I can change. I believe I can change my low self-esteem into … not so low self-esteem.  Continue reading HW 2: Low self-esteem

TS 3: Dealing with a peculiar panic attack

I woke my own shrink in the middle of the night. Luckily, MOS is I.

This is just wonderful, having myself for a shrink. If I feel for a session in the middle of the night, I can do it, no resentment. Continue reading TS 3: Dealing with a peculiar panic attack

TS 2: Accused of bad parenting

Hi Mos, I need help.

Of course. What’s the matter? 

I was attacked the other day for my inadequate handling of my child. I’ll just describe what happened because I don’t know what to think of it. Continue reading TS 2: Accused of bad parenting

Homework, HW 1

I’ve procrastinated this a long time. 9 days. Just because it’s homework.

I need to write down the examples of my GI (guilt-induced) depression manifestations. Or something. I’ll do a list and brainstorm a few days more (day 9, 11):

  • When I (e.g.) write blog posts and neglect the care for my family (or rather when the circumstances are against me – when I don’t have time for both and pick the wrong choice). Why guilt? Because I should have my family as a priority, not my pursuits. But if I don’t follow pursuits, I might never do anything but taking care of my children. My husband has been always a second fiddle, which is a whole new chapter to tackle. The guilt of being selfish. Stealing time from others.
  • When I eat ice cream or other sweets. When I give them to my children. I know sugar is harmful, a drug. I know I feel bad when I indulge. I know I’m hurting my children with it. I know my daughter shouldn’t eat sugar at least for another year. We’ve decided upon no-sugar policy at home. And I undermine my husband’s efforts. He tries not to eat sweets. But I somehow ignore all this. And after I eat or give sweets, I feel guilty.
  • When I (not) do something that can have harmful consequences in the long run. E.g. not check my boy for ticks when he was through the bushes (ticks in our part of the world are high percent infected). Or not lowering my baby’s mattress when she could fall over the guardrail. Procrastinating those tasks for some days and feeling more and more guilty. At least until I drop the guilt and become resigned at myself.
  • When boasting of something and not finishing on time, then remembering it occasionally and feeling mild guilt. E.g. not organising the hall closet and having the stuff that was supposed to go in it all over the apartment. I don’t feel as guilty because everyone already knows I don’t finish tasks and if I didn’t do it isn’t life threatening.
  • When promising something (like buying sth. in a grocery or sending an important email) and then forgetting. It has to do with high standards, which I hold up to, or just being a perfectionist. I sort of diminished this type of guilt by not promising anyone anything. Not really a heroic solution, but hey, whatever helps.
  • I feel a bit guilty of not being a mother/wife/daughter-in-law/employee as I should. I probably should look into this self-conscious perfectionistic type of guilt. It’s just a feeling. What I should be vs. who I am. Because I probably don’t know who I am. I guess, my adolescence wasn’t as successful as it should (here we go again).

 

I think I covered the most of it – to recap:

  • me vs. others (the limits of one’s freedom, by both parties consensus);
  • doing harmful stuff, mostly indulging in sweets (could be some other addiction);
  • risking the health/lives of others (s.o. is dependent on me);
  • not following through my own plans;
  • promising but not delivering (not being the person I once was / want to be / think I am);
  • me vs. others (who I am vs. what I should be according to others, which I might not agree with).

I’m pleased with my homework. I should now take each item on the list and expand (analyse) it into its own post/therapy session.
Am I on the right track? I don’t know but must stick with the system I imagined.

The flavours of my depression

Three days ago I posted my first therapy session, ‘The reasons why I get depressed‘. I wasn’t entirely satisfied with it, I couldn’t express properly. I was missing a proper word (oh, my dysnomia). I started writing that post in April, so I was missing the words for more than a month. It bothered me all this time.
But, looking on the bright side, I posted the article nonetheless, yippee! for me.

Today I remembered the word(s). Type, sort, form instead of reasons. I’m so relieved.

Also, I remembered another two forms, manifestations of my depression. This is why I’m doing another post rather than just editing the existing one. No, I’m covering the true cause. I’m doing it because the previous post has two likes on it, and it means I cannot touch it, at least not severely. (Where’s Jack to remind me I’ve yielded to vanity?!)

But I’ll be brief(er). Continue reading The flavours of my depression