Strokes of insight

Depression is like a call for acknowledgement, at least in a way, at least to me.
It’s a bit like “Look at me, I’m depressed, won’t you help me?!”

It’s a cry for help. (By the way, we (I) hide it. So no one actually hears this cry.) Many times, I feel depression as a tantrum. I want someone to notice, someone to see me as I am, to stand beside me and to comfort me. I’m too proud to point it out. Or maybe I believe only if someone noticed by themselves, would it mean they care about me. Then when I notice what I’m doing, I start to hate myself for it.

Most of the time, people don’t notice. This is the first fault in such my behaviour (using depression as a tool for getting attention). And again, one of the reasons I get depressed is not being independent. (Or, what came first, the chicken or the egg?) This is the second fault in my behaviour. I should start to learn to deal with my own problems. There’s nobody to do it for me.

What am I now? Sad? Angry?
I’m mostly satisfied to have analysed this thought.

TS 4: No conclusion

Hi Mos, long time no see.

Time’s relative. You shouldn’t blame yourself. You do what you can with the resources you have. Do you have any special topic to discuss? 

No. I just think I need to speak to someone. I’m again tilting toward the blue. It was okay for a while but I haven’t really solved any issues and you can’t expect Dee would just go away.

Let’s talk then. You talk, I give structure, all right? 

I haven’t done my homework. I’ve been thinking I shouldn’t link my homework and therapy sessions. As it is, I wait to do a TS until my HW is done. But then I do HW perfectionistic and procrastinate TS. I need TSs. Sometimes I need them more than homework.
And again, I want TSs to be readable, so people who might give them a try wouldn’t say it was a waste of their time.

You shouldn’t do what you think people want (they might not want it at all). You should do what’s best for you. 

— [Jack] — And you shouldn’t say should, as a therapist.  Continue reading TS 4: No conclusion

Absent – on a work leave

My maternity leave has ended. Vacation started and has ended. Work has started. My blog has suffered a leave of absence.

I was so sure I’d be writing MOS regardless of what I do during the day. Wrong. There is a difference between being a stay at home mum and being a working mum. There are perks to each. In regard to being depressed or not, I choose work. I haven’t been as depressed because I had so much to do and little time to ponder. Of course, there’s still the same amount of work to be done on my issues. Different content, different flavours and triggers, but mostly same issues as before. More insight, less time to comb through a tangled mess of my thoughts.

I did three-quarters of my next-in-line homework but never posted. It says 9 August. It must wait.  A lot has happened since I last posted. That must take priority. I’ll give you a blurb. Anney Bird’s real-life persona got a job offer. And a lot of compliments that she’s reluctant to take. A lot of thinking due…

I missed writing. Thus the clichés, and complicated words and sentences. Grammarly caught up with my inactivity, at last. Let’s see what it says tomorrow, in my weekly report.

P.s. I still have guilt over not posting, a need to prove myself to you. I shouldn’t. I should do it for myself, and the blog should just be a media type to do so. But… it is also a good thing. My guilt forces me to write eventually unless I want my few readers to pack and flee from boredom.

Well then, not so few words I hoped to write. I need to work on my eloquence, too. All in its own time.