In bed with Anxiety

Hi there! Are you sleeping?

Mmm …

Is this yes or no? 

At first it was more of a yes but now it’s more like a no.

Oh, goody! So we can talk.

Well …

Do you know when you said you don’t think that elevator’s gonna fit into that room? I’ve had some ideas how to turn around the plan. I only don’t think it would fit into the garage if you want to leave that door wide. I need an expert’s opinion. 

My opinion is, leave it to the expert …

But these ideas bother me. 

… in the morning.

I can’t sleep. 

Me neither.

Oh, how awful, isn’t it? I’ve just tossed and turned for the last … the whole night. I worry so much. 

Maybe if you just lay still … How late is it?

Oh, not really late. One am. I couldn’t wake you before. You crashed like a baby. What are we going to do? 

I’ll try to get back to sleep.

Okay, me too. 

It’s not working. Do you have any ideas?  

Maybe, to be quiet more than a few seconds? How about to count to a hundred?

Okay, one, two, three, four, five… 

Can you do it quietly?

Sure. … … … Oh, I’ve lost my count. Do you think I can skip a few numbers or is it better to start over? I don’t want to do something wrong. Like you know, at work? When I mustn’t write anything down but then I forget the instruction and it’s wrong again.

Yes, I know all about it. It’s starting to creep on me right now.

So scary. 

But I try to put it off until tomorrow. I need sleep. It was yesterday that I didn’t sleep enough and I want to make it up today. Can’t you see?

I see. Would you please hold my hand? I fear ghosts. 

Okay. Let’s hold hands.

Can you be more still?

I try. Are you angry with me? 

No. I try to sleep and it’s hard when you move so much.

I can’t sleep if I’m not comfortable. I’m awful. How could one stop if they twitch?

Have you’ve been eating sugars?

I might have. 

Oh, drat. We might just give up sleep for today. How about coffee?

Um, I don’t remember. It might have been one in the morning. Or was it the green tea? Green tea is weaker, so I drank three cups. Did I leave the bag in for too long? I’m going crazy! Why do I keep drinking caffeine? I know I’m sensitive. 

How long do you think the effects will last? 

In my opinion? For two days.

How about you go to the kitchen and look out the window?

I might see a crime scene and what then? 

Oh, c’mon! There might be a dog and a cat fighting. It will be boring otherwise. You know what? Let’s get both up, talk a bit more, and then we might tire enough to sleep again.

There’s a good hour to be sleepy, around five am, when your alarm would soon go off. If not sooner, I’ll sleep then. One hour is infinitely better than none.

Shall we? After you.

Between Scylla and Charybdis

In short – between depression and anxiety.
I experience both but I came to appreciate the anxiety contribution to my overall wretchedness only lately. (Blah, what a sentence! I’m ashamed and proud of it at the same time.)

I thought I had depression and that’s it. These days I realised my anxiety might be stronger.

I was highly anxious for some time, being both unable to live with myself and obnoxious to others. Let’s say that it’s been unbearable for two weeks. Then I made a big mistake at work and my boss lectured me. That day I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to have a therapy session but I didn’t have time to write. (I didn’t want to take away from my sleeping time since I knew my feelings would be worse.) I must state that the mistake was mine and I was guilty as charged. The boss said, “Correct and send one paper”, I corrected one, looked the second one and thought it was okay, so I sent two for a good measure. The second was faulty and my boss heard from the investors and my anxiety beat everything else. Dee went crawling under the bed with its tail between its legs.

Funny, how I’m a stress-eater, but when the anxiety rises above a certain tolerance level, I lose my appetite. Other people lose theirs sooner.

What did I want to say? Ah, yes.
I thought I was just a perfectionist. I now know I’m a perfectionist because of anxiety also. I worry too much about the outcome of my actions. And because I don’t want to be this way I experience constant existential crisis which results in depression. Maybe.

I thought I can’t possibly have the anxiety disorder, I don’t have problems sleeping. Well, between a rock and a hard place, I sleep a lot due to depression, and I’m tired more due to anxiety, therefore I sleep and dream and fret… What’s this if not the problems with sleeping?

I hate myself a lot. Why can’t I do what I’m told? I can’t say I won’t do the same mistake the next time and this drives me crazy.

I’m avoiding mistakes this much that it’s a mistake in itself. I’m nauseated when even thinking about it.

On the bright side, during the last two days since I was admonished, my anxiety has lowered and my depression has risen to the “normal” levels. Ole same, ole same.

p.s. I added ‘Anxiety’ to my categories.

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety
12 Signs You May Have an Anxiety Disorder