In short – between depression and anxiety.
I experience both but I came to appreciate the anxiety contribution to my overall wretchedness only lately. (Blah, what a sentence! I’m ashamed and proud of it at the same time.)
I thought I had depression and that’s it. These days I realised my anxiety might be stronger.
I was highly anxious for some time, being both unable to live with myself and obnoxious to others. Let’s say that it’s been unbearable for two weeks. Then I made a big mistake at work and my boss lectured me. That day I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to have a therapy session but I didn’t have time to write. (I didn’t want to take away from my sleeping time since I knew my feelings would be worse.) I must state that the mistake was mine and I was guilty as charged. The boss said, “Correct and send one paper”, I corrected one, looked the second one and thought it was okay, so I sent two for a good measure. The second was faulty and my boss heard from the investors and my anxiety beat everything else. Dee went crawling under the bed with its tail between its legs.
Funny, how I’m a stress-eater, but when the anxiety rises above a certain tolerance level, I lose my appetite. Other people lose theirs sooner.
What did I want to say? Ah, yes.
I thought I was just a perfectionist. I now know I’m a perfectionist because of anxiety also. I worry too much about the outcome of my actions. And because I don’t want to be this way I experience constant existential crisis which results in depression. Maybe.
I thought I can’t possibly have the anxiety disorder, I don’t have problems sleeping. Well, between a rock and a hard place, I sleep a lot due to depression, and I’m tired more due to anxiety, therefore I sleep and dream and fret… What’s this if not the problems with sleeping?
I hate myself a lot. Why can’t I do what I’m told? I can’t say I won’t do the same mistake the next time and this drives me crazy.
I’m avoiding mistakes this much that it’s a mistake in itself. I’m nauseated when even thinking about it.
On the bright side, during the last two days since I was admonished, my anxiety has lowered and my depression has risen to the “normal” levels. Ole same, ole same.
p.s. I added ‘Anxiety’ to my categories.
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