musings

There is one right answer when you’re trying to resolve two opposing statements. (Depression is a lot about opposing statements, all being right and true, or all being wrong and false…)

That is, the right answer is the one you can live with.

All is in balance. This life is not made for those who seek the one and only truth. It’s made of hues. Accept it. Then you can build from there.

You need foundation. Start resolving small dualisms. Gain confidence from doing it yourself. Sure, there’s a pile of big uglies waiting for you, but not right now. Choose your battle so you can win. I can tell you from experience, you can win latter battles.

Start winning.

I hope it makes sense. Post a comment if you would like to share an example.

The power of belief

An interesting fact: I gave birth on the exact date I have chosen.

I had a day, a reason, and I dared to believe I can influence fate (or my organism or whatever). I believed and I still do, Fate is as crazy as me. As crazy as anyone and as bored as to try something out of the ordinary now and then.

Well, the date was in the most likely week of my pregnancy to give birth in, to be honest. So I and Fate didn’t need much energy to make the arrangement.

I thought of this fact today after I saw a film about a Jewish woman who arranged her wedding on the exact date she had chosen and believed God would find her the right groom until then – if only she believed it, if only she was determined enough.

Belief is not the same as hope. She dated, travelled, tried hard, and also didn’t waver in her determination. She rejected a few men, and was rejected a few times. And voila, it happened.

This I call the power of belief and coincidence (a.k.a. alignment of fate).

My daughter’s birth was not something that was my business only, if we’re talking about higher purpose, it was at least my daughter’s business too. And the woman from the film needed a man who had a coinciding fate.

My belief is, anything is possible. There need to be belief, determination and coinciding fate of everyone involved.

Dare to dare and miracles will happen.

TS 5: I haven’t posted in a long time

E.g. I haven’t had a therapy in a long time.
_ _ _ _ _ _

Hi, Mos.

You want me to scold you for not doing your homework.

Yes, so I can apologise for not doing it.

I’m not your parent, I’m not your teacher, and you’re a grown-up. You answer only to yourself.

But I am doing my homework. It just takes more time and other priorities interfere.

So you came here having therapy on homework? Or on responsibilities, or growing up?

— [Jack] — She is cranky. I didn’t know robots can be cranky.

I guess she’s being sarcastic. And she’s smarter than us. She won’t reply to provocation.
I wanted to lament. I wanted to cry out how my life is awful, how I can’t do this, can’t do that… I want to throw things. Throw a tantrum for no reason. Mos probably doesn’t react to lamenting. She just waits for me to finish. Oh, it’s so cooling. How can I vent if there’s no audience?

— [Jack] — Maybe I can be of help. We’ll grab a soda and pop and we’ll go watch the stars, and you’ll pour your heart out, and no one will be there to spoil it.

— [Don] — Ahem.

Except for Don.

— [Jack] — Well, sure, you can come. We’ll get you drunk and you’ll be crying with us, you bloody chaperone.

Watch your language.

— [Jack] — I was.

Mos’s gone back to sleep. I should too. I don’t know what I was going to lament about, anyway. I wanted you to drop by, but now I’m tired. I want to end this therapy that isn’t therapy, shove you both into the unconscious again. Rude.

— [Jack] — Yeah, baby. But we love you. Go to sleep.

You should be a reckless one, I expected you to say let’s party all night.

— [Jack] — But it’s no fun if you’re not up to it. Today I’m a romantic one. Same idealistic construct, not balanced for the real life. Different spectre, same guy.

I love you.

— [Jack] — You know you’re talking to yourself, don’t you? So that means you love yourself, finally? 🙂

😛

— [Don] — I love you too.

I know you do. Even if it sounds like “I told you so”.
Jack, don’t do that! Sorry, Don. It’s just that Jack and I don’t like forced confessions. And don’t sulk. It’s too late in the night. Let’s be friends… Oh, well, I’m talking to myself. Too tired to keep a conversation running. Voices die off first when you’re on low batteries.

P.s. It’s 5 am, and I’m up since 1 or 2. OMG! I’ll suffer tomorrow.

Nighty night!

Indecision will be the death of me

I’m reading posts from other people instead of writing my own.

It’s not procrastination. I shouldn’t be doing neither.

I should be either: a. freelancing a project that is due this week, b. going over to my office to do work I haven’t finished today and my colleague would need to do tomorrow (because I took a day off), c. baking some cake for my birthday tomorrow, or, d. sleeping (it’s 2 am in the morning).

Ad a.
I’m not freelancing because the software I need is in the room where my husband is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him. He’s quite jumpy and has trouble sleeping in general.

Ad b.
I’m not in my office because it’s 2 am. The light would attract security / Someone might need me at home. I’m anxious. (Is this my equivalent of the jumpy?)

I should go there early in the morning before anybody else gets there. But I’ll be sleepy, duh.

Ad c.
I never bake. Why should today be any different? My priorities are all mixed up.
I want everyone to praise me. I’m so vain. To praise me for baking a superb cake (which I never yet tried to bake) and to praise me for baking when I never bake.
Due to this sinful reason, I’m not succumbing to doing this task. If it were for some other reason then maybe.

Ad d.
I’m not sleeping because … why actually? Because I’m stupid, cannot decide, and by being awake I pretend I did something useful.

I procrastinate all of the above, even being sane. Because sleep means sane.

Why am I like this? I’ll hate myself so much tomorrow morning. Now I’m just incredulous.

Be well, all the sane, other ones. You people.

Anxiety at work

We’re late. What’ll boss say?

He usually doesn’t say anything. I’ve given up making excuses when I’m late. I should make an apology but then I’d make constant excuses.

What’ll his wife think? She doesn’t say anything but maybe she tells him what she thinks.

I don’t think so. Maybe.

And the others. What must they think of me? I’m a burden.

I’ll stay at work longer. Some people come sooner and go home sooner, some people come later and work later.

And some come sooner and go home later.

Each has their own deal.

I should do more in the time I have. Let’s work, I need to be better than yesterday. I probably won’t be. How can I be better, I never succeed?

…

I forgot to send an email to the construction engineer. I must do it now before he goes home. They go home early… Continue reading Anxiety at work