In bed with Anxiety

Hi there! Are you sleeping?

Mmm …

Is this yes or no? 

At first it was more of a yes but now it’s more like a no.

Oh, goody! So we can talk.

Well …

Do you know when you said you don’t think that elevator’s gonna fit into that room? I’ve had some ideas how to turn around the plan. I only don’t think it would fit into the garage if you want to leave that door wide. I need an expert’s opinion. 

My opinion is, leave it to the expert …

But these ideas bother me. 

… in the morning.

I can’t sleep. 

Me neither.

Oh, how awful, isn’t it? I’ve just tossed and turned for the last … the whole night. I worry so much. 

Maybe if you just lay still … How late is it?

Oh, not really late. One am. I couldn’t wake you before. You crashed like a baby. What are we going to do? 

I’ll try to get back to sleep.

Okay, me too. 

It’s not working. Do you have any ideas?  

Maybe, to be quiet more than a few seconds? How about to count to a hundred?

Okay, one, two, three, four, five… 

Can you do it quietly?

Sure. … … … Oh, I’ve lost my count. Do you think I can skip a few numbers or is it better to start over? I don’t want to do something wrong. Like you know, at work? When I mustn’t write anything down but then I forget the instruction and it’s wrong again.

Yes, I know all about it. It’s starting to creep on me right now.

So scary. 

But I try to put it off until tomorrow. I need sleep. It was yesterday that I didn’t sleep enough and I want to make it up today. Can’t you see?

I see. Would you please hold my hand? I fear ghosts. 

Okay. Let’s hold hands.

Can you be more still?

I try. Are you angry with me? 

No. I try to sleep and it’s hard when you move so much.

I can’t sleep if I’m not comfortable. I’m awful. How could one stop if they twitch?

Have you’ve been eating sugars?

I might have. 

Oh, drat. We might just give up sleep for today. How about coffee?

Um, I don’t remember. It might have been one in the morning. Or was it the green tea? Green tea is weaker, so I drank three cups. Did I leave the bag in for too long? I’m going crazy! Why do I keep drinking caffeine? I know I’m sensitive. 

How long do you think the effects will last? 

In my opinion? For two days.

How about you go to the kitchen and look out the window?

I might see a crime scene and what then? 

Oh, c’mon! There might be a dog and a cat fighting. It will be boring otherwise. You know what? Let’s get both up, talk a bit more, and then we might tire enough to sleep again.

There’s a good hour to be sleepy, around five am, when your alarm would soon go off. If not sooner, I’ll sleep then. One hour is infinitely better than none.

Shall we? After you.

Intermezzo

I came to my computer to blog, I got lost in the web. I’ve looked up some Christmas gifts ideas and read a few blog posts. One really long and I skipped a lot of it, understood little of it. Now it’s about an hour after the health recommended sleep curfew. Maybe two.

I’ve been exhausted, emotionally unstable and more depressed in general than I was in a long time. I’ve had a hypnopompic hallucination again. Low motivation. I think less sleep, less healthy food and vitamins, and more work-related stress are likely causes. No time to digest what’s happening.
Knowing the cause doesn’t diminish depression’s effect, though. I wish to postpone writing today. I have a few topics already in line. Each of them is long to write and I want to have a clear head when tackling them. Otherwise, their analytic benefits would be null – plain babbling. Like now.

I’m only writing this because I’m stubborn. To diminish procrastination and perfectionism. Because I miss writing. Usually, I love writing. Now I’m too tired and I’ll stick a tongue to everything and everyone, and I’ll be immature. Now I’ll go to sleep.

And I miss Jack and Don. I guess I need some energy, too, to hear them.

The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms

The time of choosing the safe vs. the right-for-me came.
My first employment in the new not-even-started-yet business was my ole friends, the brothers Defence Mechanisms (DMs).*

I think I should look into the DMs deeper and elsewhen** longer. They are a big chunk to chew off my psyche cake. But for now, suffice it to say, being forced to choose felt like I was tied in a cage and wriggling to get free.  I repressed the feelings, I intellectualise them (still), and so on. I chose something, just to get free, which is more than usual when I just postpone the decision. Or did I choose?

Just writing this, my level of anxiety rises. Repress, rinse, repeat. (Funny, I should call my DMs poison of choice the RRR procedure.) Continue reading The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms

The job offer, part 1: emotions

I got a job offer. No. I got an offer to venture into a business. I had so many emotions when it happened, joy, fear, hope, despair, itchiness for action, reality obliviousness, yearning for learning, etc. I didn’t consult Mos then. Maybe there was no time, but I regret not writing my thoughts down when emotions were still high.

With the time’s pass, all of those emotions reverted to my normal state of void. Really quickly. (I think, way back in my youth, I was brainwashed into thinking all emotions were bad, so I tried to repress them. Now it shows.) Still, I want to sort them through. Continue reading The job offer, part 1: emotions

Chaos and entropy – the enemies?

Entropy is the term describing the lack of order or predictability, a gradual decline into disorder.

An hour ago I was reading the newest post from James Clear which is all about entropy and “why life always seems to get more complicated”. Clear always writes concisely (and clear:)) so I won’t do a recap, you better read it yourselves. I’ll tell you how it relates to me, though. Continue reading Chaos and entropy – the enemies?