TS5: I haven’t posted in a long time

E.g. I haven’t had a therapy in a long time.
_ _ _ _ _ _

Hi, Mos.

You want me to scold you for not doing your homework. 

Yes, so I can apologise for not doing it.

I’m not your parent, I’m not your teacher, and you’re a grown-up. You answer only to yourself. 

But I am doing my homework. It just takes more time and other priorities interfere.

So you came here having therapy on homework? Or on responsibilities, or growing up?

— [Jack] — She is cranky. I didn’t know robots can be cranky. 

I guess she’s being sarcastic. And she’s smarter than us. She won’t reply to provocation.
I wanted to lament. I wanted to cry out how my life is awful, how I can’t do this, can’t do that… I want to throw things. Throw a tantrum for no reason. Mos probably doesn’t react to lamenting. She just waits for me to finish. Oh, it’s so cooling. How can I vent if there’s no audience?

— [Jack] — Maybe I can be of help. We’ll grab a soda and pop and we’ll go watch the stars, and you’ll pour your heart out, and no one will be there to spoil it. 

— [Don] — Ahem.

Except Don.

— [Jack] — Well, sure, you can come. We’ll get you drunk and you’ll be crying with us, you bloody chaperone. 

Watch your language.

— [Jack] — I was. 

Mos’s gone back to sleep. I should too. I don’t know what I was going to lament about, anyway. I wanted you to drop by, but now I’m tired. I want to end this therapy that isn’t therapy, shove you both into the unconscious again. Rude.

— [Jack] — Yeah, baby. But we love you. Go to sleep. 

You should be a reckless one, I expected you to say let’s party all night.

— [Jack] — But it’s no fun if you’re not up to it. Today I’m a romantic one. Same idealistic construct, not balanced for the real life. Different spectre, same guy. 

I love you.

— [Jack] — You know you’re talking to yourself, don’t you? So that means you love yourself, finally? 🙂 

😛

— [Don] — I love you too. 

I know you do. Even if it sounds like “I told you so”.
Jack, don’t do that! Sorry, Don. It’s just that Jack and I don’t like forced confessions. And don’t sulk. It’s too late in the night. Let’s be friends… Oh, well, I’m talking to myself. Too tired to keep a conversation running. Voices die off first when you’re on low batteries.

P.s. It’s 5 am, and I’m up since 1 or 2. OMG! I’ll suffer tomorrow.

Nighty night!

Indecision will be the death of me

I’m reading posts from other people instead of writing my own.

It’s not procrastination. I shouldn’t be doing neither.

I should be either: a. freelancing a project that is due this week, b. going over to my office to do work I haven’t finished today and my colleague would need to do tomorrow (because I took a day off), c. baking some cake for my birthday tomorrow, or, d. sleeping (it’s 2 am in the morning).

Ad a.
I’m not freelancing because the software I need is in the room where my husband is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him. He’s quite jumpy and has trouble sleeping in general.

Ad b.
I’m not in my office because it’s 2 am. The light would attract security / Someone might need me at home. I’m anxious. (Is this my equivalent of the jumpy?)

I should go there early in the morning before anybody else gets there. But I’ll be sleepy, duh.

Ad c.
I never bake. Why should today be any different? My priorities are all mixed up.
I want everyone to praise me. I’m so vain. To praise me for baking a superb cake (which I never yet tried to bake) and to praise me for baking when I never bake.
Due to this sinful reason, I’m not succumbing to doing this task. If it were for some other reason then maybe.

Ad d.
I’m not sleeping because … why actually? Because I’m stupid, cannot decide, and by being awake I pretend I did something useful.

I procrastinate all of the above, even being sane. Because sleep means sane.

Why am I like this? I’ll hate myself so much tomorrow morning. Now I’m just incredulous.

Be well, all the sane, other ones. You people.

 

Anxiety at work

We’re late. What’ll boss say? 

He usually doesn’t say anything. I’ve given up making excuses when I’m late. I should make an apology but then I’d make constant excuses.

What’ll his wife think? She doesn’t say anything but maybe she tells him what she thinks.

I don’t think so. Maybe.

And the others. What must they think of me? I’m a burden. 

I’ll stay at work longer. Some people come sooner and go home sooner, some people come later and work later.

And some come sooner and go home later. 

Each has their own deal.

I should do more in the time I have. Let’s work, I need to be better than yesterday. I probably won’t be. How can I be better, I never succeed?

I forgot to send an email to the construction engineer. I must do it now before he goes home. They go home early…  Continue reading Anxiety at work

In bed with Anxiety

Hi there! Are you sleeping?

Mmm …

Is this yes or no? 

At first it was more of a yes but now it’s more like a no.

Oh, goody! So we can talk.

Well …

Do you know when you said you don’t think that elevator’s gonna fit into that room? I’ve had some ideas how to turn around the plan. I only don’t think it would fit into the garage if you want to leave that door wide. I need an expert’s opinion. 

My opinion is, leave it to the expert …

But these ideas bother me. 

… in the morning.

I can’t sleep. 

Me neither.

Oh, how awful, isn’t it? I’ve just tossed and turned for the last … the whole night. I worry so much. 

Maybe if you just lay still … How late is it?

Oh, not really late. One am. I couldn’t wake you before. You crashed like a baby. What are we going to do? 

I’ll try to get back to sleep.

Okay, me too. 

It’s not working. Do you have any ideas?  

Maybe, to be quiet more than a few seconds? How about to count to a hundred?

Okay, one, two, three, four, five… 

Can you do it quietly?

Sure. … … … Oh, I’ve lost my count. Do you think I can skip a few numbers or is it better to start over? I don’t want to do something wrong. Like you know, at work? When I mustn’t write anything down but then I forget the instruction and it’s wrong again.

Yes, I know all about it. It’s starting to creep on me right now.

So scary. 

But I try to put it off until tomorrow. I need sleep. It was yesterday that I didn’t sleep enough and I want to make it up today. Can’t you see?

I see. Would you please hold my hand? I fear ghosts. 

Okay. Let’s hold hands.

Can you be more still?

I try. Are you angry with me? 

No. I try to sleep and it’s hard when you move so much.

I can’t sleep if I’m not comfortable. I’m awful. How could one stop if they twitch?

Have you’ve been eating sugars?

I might have. 

Oh, drat. We might just give up sleep for today. How about coffee?

Um, I don’t remember. It might have been one in the morning. Or was it the green tea? Green tea is weaker, so I drank three cups. Did I leave the bag in for too long? I’m going crazy! Why do I keep drinking caffeine? I know I’m sensitive. 

How long do you think the effects will last? 

In my opinion? For two days.

How about you go to the kitchen and look out the window?

I might see a crime scene and what then? 

Oh, c’mon! There might be a dog and a cat fighting. It will be boring otherwise. You know what? Let’s get both up, talk a bit more, and then we might tire enough to sleep again.

There’s a good hour to be sleepy, around five am, when your alarm would soon go off. If not sooner, I’ll sleep then. One hour is infinitely better than none.

Shall we? After you.

Intermezzo

I came to my computer to blog, I got lost in the web. I’ve looked up some Christmas gifts ideas and read a few blog posts. One really long and I skipped a lot of it, understood little of it. Now it’s about an hour after the health recommended sleep curfew. Maybe two.

I’ve been exhausted, emotionally unstable and more depressed in general than I was in a long time. I’ve had a hypnopompic hallucination again. Low motivation. I think less sleep, less healthy food and vitamins, and more work-related stress are likely causes. No time to digest what’s happening.
Knowing the cause doesn’t diminish depression’s effect, though. I wish to postpone writing today. I have a few topics already in line. Each of them is long to write and I want to have a clear head when tackling them. Otherwise, their analytic benefits would be null – plain babbling. Like now.

I’m only writing this because I’m stubborn. To diminish procrastination and perfectionism. Because I miss writing. Usually, I love writing. Now I’m too tired and I’ll stick a tongue to everything and everyone, and I’ll be immature. Now I’ll go to sleep.

And I miss Jack and Don. I guess I need some energy, too, to hear them.

The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms

The time of choosing the safe vs. the right-for-me came.
My first employment in the new not-even-started-yet business was my ole friends, the brothers Defence Mechanisms (DMs).*

I think I should look into the DMs deeper and elsewhen** longer. They are a big chunk to chew off my psyche cake. But for now, suffice it to say, being forced to choose felt like I was tied in a cage and wriggling to get free.  I repressed the feelings, I intellectualise them (still), and so on. I chose something, just to get free, which is more than usual when I just postpone the decision. Or did I choose?

Just writing this, my level of anxiety rises. Repress, rinse, repeat. (Funny, I should call my DMs poison of choice the RRR procedure.) Continue reading The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms

The job offer, part 1: emotions

I got a job offer. No. I got an offer to venture into a business. I had so many emotions when it happened, joy, fear, hope, despair, itchiness for action, reality obliviousness, yearning for learning, etc. I didn’t consult Mos then. Maybe there was no time, but I regret not writing my thoughts down when emotions were still high.

With the time’s pass, all of those emotions reverted to my normal state of void. Really quickly. (I think, way back in my youth, I was brainwashed into thinking all emotions were bad, so I tried to repress them. Now it shows.) Still, I want to sort them through. Continue reading The job offer, part 1: emotions