For the fear of spiders – what was I doing?!

Was this a form of procrastination, or a form of desensitisation for the fear of spiders, when I read an article on deadly spiders in the middle of the night?

It wasn’t even a good quality article. Continue reading For the fear of spiders – what was I doing?!

Dream analysis 1*

Today I’m not too creative, thus the descriptive, boring, uncharacteristic title.

A quick recap.
I dreamt about being in a lecture, something like the evening university class, while my children were gone sleeping for the night at home with my husband. The lecture ended (I don’t think its content was important) and we were trying to open some windows, for which I gave advice. Then I got a phone call that my baby daughter is bleeding and my husband is taking her to a hospital. He said not to worry, he got this, I asked what’s wrong with her, I learned she didn’t have a cornea, and how was this possible, she was ok at birth … (I know I invented the problem on the spot. It was like in a lucid dream, because it wasn’t initially disclosed. Only after I insisted the dream gives me an answer, I got an answer.)

I have recurring dreams about lectures. Sometimes I’m late to them, sometimes I just dream of my college building. In today’s case, I think it was about me being back to learning. In real life, or day life, I’m again enthusiastic about learning new things, gaining confidence in acquiring knowledge. For years I’ve neglected the learning process, being in a sort of hibernating state, feeling stupid, and stupefied. I lost all the knowledge (I remember very little of everything) and felt that I’ve lost even the intellect. If not gone, it was at least dulled. Now I’m happy again to employ my little grey cells.
And, relevantly, I’m doing it apart from my family, stealing moments from every member, thinking of nothing but my projects, and in a way neglecting my family. Duh! Henceforth, my dream, where I was on a lecture away from my family.

What was that with the windows, I do not know. I guess it said something about me not minding my own business, but giving advice for petty stuff, losing focus and time. It was dark outside, the windows were big, stretching over the whole wall, with old, light grey blinds. There were a few students, hustling with the windows, while I was commandeering from afar. I don’t know what should this mean. That I’m bossy?

To be continued …

… continued; I’m reluctant to analyse the last part of my dream. Probably there hides the biggest problem. So, I confess, the relationship with my husband is tense lately. He’s under great stress at work, I sleep in the children’s room (well, I have a week will when my son says “Come to our room”, and my husband says “It’s ok”). We are both very tired, and snappy. He often reminds me of my mistakes (being always late would be most relevant here), and I presume he silently judges my hobby (writing, which I take more seriously).
In the light of this strained relationship, “I got this” is in my mind a judgmental statement, really meaning, “Where are you when your daughter needs you – doing trivial things …” Or so it is in my guilty subconscious.
Like now when she is waking up from her morning nap and I try to squeeze a few words in before she wakes completely. What will she have for breakfast? I don’t know, I’ll think of something later. What I should and what I shouldn’t do, regarding motherhood and a mother’s leave? I’m torn between my wants and my family’s needs. Blech. I’m rushing through this confession like through a room of mirrors where I don’t like what I see.

Well, this is quite hard to read, but it’s mostly for myself, so don’t worry if you want to quit.
— [Jack says] — You’re changing the subject and employing your “forgetting” defence mechanism. —
— [Don stares his stern look at him] — Way to go, distracting her to keep from resolving the dream. —
— [Mos waits patiently, non-judgingly] — Go on … **

Can I continue some other time?

Sure, but you know you want to finish this story otherwise it’ll hunt you. How about a break? 

Okay. I’ll be right back. Maybe I’ll go throw some things away.***

The ‘right back’ turned out to be 8 days. Just to wrap up. The trail of thoughts is already cold. What you don’t do right away …
Our daughter had to go to the hospital, a day after she was born. She got a transfusion and all of her blood was replaced. It got to do something with my antibodies attacking her blood cells. Incompatible blood types. Do I think I am guilty? I may feel I reject her like my body (antibodies) rejected hers. Like I don’t love her. I think this feeling will stick with me forever. It doesn’t feel anguishing like some other type of guilt but it is insidious – I might be reserved towards her later in life. I might already have fear of hurting her again. And I might run away from such possibilities / run away from her.
I don’t feel much of this. Is it so deep or is it just speculation?
It is a possibility if it turned out in a dream. As for the invented “problem” – the missing cornea, I might have read about eyes or something, or it was a part of an eye that I think of first. It’s not important (in dreams everything has significance, but I am sure this particular notion is unimportant).

The hint of what is important was the blood, she was bleeding in the dream, and from her eye.
The blood means life, and if she bled (fast), she was dying (fast). And I was not there. I already analysed this. But there is also another feeling I get when remembering this part of the dream. I wanted to be there. I wanted to comfort and cuddle her. To be hers. To be completely devoted, no matter what. (Conflict of interests?)

And there are the eyes. A cornea might be dream-insignificant, but the eye! It’s one of the oldest symbols there is. There is even a hieroglyph of an eye (the Eye of Horus).
Eyes see, eyes take notice, eyes oversee, eyes are all-seeing. There are idioms, eye for an eye, an apple of her eye, etc. The eye is as strong and old a symbol as an apple, if not older and stronger.
Alright, what does this mean in my dream? If my daughter bled from eyes, does it mean she turned a blind eye? Blindness wasn’t mentioned. Crying blood? Bloody tears? Tears weren’t mentioned. She didn’t see me, and she bled? There it is again, not being there for her. But what with the eyes? Closing the eyes means dying. I don’t know, the answer eludes me. I’m sure there will be more opportunities to digest this issue if it is important, so I call it quits for now.

A comment. My daughter is extremely patient – in real life, as well as she was in the dream.

* How to analyse your dreams, a short post here (coming soon).

** You can learn about Jack, Don and Mos here.

*** I am a bit of a hoarder. It’s awful. So I’m now one week into a new habit of throwing away two things a day. Going well. I’ll tell a whole story some other day.

Optimistic … not

I feel quite optimistic today. Err, this morning (I don’t know what the future holds for me). I woke up at 4:30 am and decided it’s no use to go back to sleep if I intended to wake at 5. I checked some new blogs and my first likes of this blog and proceeded to my writing. I left my children sleeping peacefully and hoping for a little time off their radar. Oh-oh! As I write this, depression is creeping back into me.

Oh-oh! As I write this, depression is creeping back into me. I did feel rather uncomfortable when I woke. Constipation, I guess. Or a bad dream I had. But I also felt optimistic, and physical symptoms subsided quickly enough.

Bad and good decisions, not wrong and right. Or is it the other way around? I’m sleepy, tired, not focused. Why on earth would I come from being elated to being miserable so soon? The depression mechanism is strong. The Dark side is strooong. (I just hear Darth Sidious saying it.)

Let’s analyse. This post should be just a fill-in post since I haven’t posted a long time, not a true MOS session. But then … we should be adaptable.

1. First noticed depression trigger: Physical. I didn’t feel well, but I discarded the feeling. It got better so it might not be a part of the depression coming.

2. Second: A bad dream, trying to be forgotten or trying to be acknowledged – both needs in a clash. I dreamt about being in a lecture, something like the evening university class, while my children were gone sleeping for the night at home with my husband. The lecture ended (I don’t think its content was important) and we were trying to open some windows, for which I gave advice. Then I got a phone call that my baby daughter is bleeding and my husband is taking her to a hospital. He said not to worry, he got this, I asked what’s wrong with her, I learned she didn’t have a cornea, and how was this possible, she was ok at birth … (I know I invented the problem on the spot. It was like in a lucid dream, because it wasn’t initially disclosed. Only after I insisted the dream gives me an answer, I got an answer.) The dream analysis is a bit off course, so … here.

3. Third: Guilt. I slept relatively soundly through the night, only waking briefly. During this brief waking, I noticed I didn’t cover my son with a blanket. He always kicks them off of him and I cover him back a few times a night. This night I didn’t. Therefore, feelings of guilt. And we know how they trigger depression, right?

4. Fourth trigger: Indecision. I have trouble deciding. And when I do, I doubt my decision to the point of great anxiety.
I am lately sleep deprived. Starting a day at 4:30 or 5:30 am are two interchangeable, bad options. Pursuing a habit of writing every day (and doing other chores that I wouldn’t do later in the day) or going back to sleep?
I decided upon remaining awake sooner. And, inevitably, I regretted the decision. It would be the same if I chose the other option.

5. Going back and forth, wavering. Back to the trigger no. 1. I lack sleep, another physical trigger. Back to no. 3 and 4. I browsed the web, enjoyed losing myself in fruitless pursuits, whereas I should have done something productive with my time. Guilt over not sleeping more.

Probably all those feelings, fragments of thoughts (who knows how to name them) were silently working at the back of my mind, while I was relatively happy. Eventually, they won over and I reverted to my usual depressed version.

I feel better now that I explained it to myself. I’m posting it now, before editing, because I need to stop procrastinating and be active.

My next post will be the first (official) MOS therapy. If I don’t announce it, I may never post it. I may never be ready. It’s now or never. I can’t help hearing Elvis.

Stay well!