Was this a form of procrastination, or a form of desensitisation for the fear of spiders, when I read an article on deadly spiders in the middle of the night?
It wasn’t even a good quality article.
I woke up to breastfeed at 2 am, did some household chores, and woke enough to decide to write a bit. Oh, webs of the internet! Since I use an internet browser for writing, there are traps to behold. I fell into one. There was an article about a home infestation by brown recluse spiders. And a link to an article about ten worst spider species. I always read trashy articles about spiders. There’s something thrilling, adrenalizing, in the pictures of spiders.
I have arachnophobia, sure. I can scream at the brush of a spider web on my arm when not prepared for it. It gives me creeps, and when in contact with spiders (not necessarily a touching contact), I retain a crawling sensation for half an hour or so and check myself if something is not really crawling over me.
Maybe I need an adrenaline boost? Because I would never parachute or bungee-jump for it. I look at the pictures, read the description, and (all the while I shake my head in disbelief at the non-professionality of the text) imagine what would it be if I had a house infested. A terrifying thought. I felt bile rising in my stomach, but also, funny, my nausea subsided (I have some sort of stomach flu). Quite an invigorating nightly activity.
Was this a form of procrastination? Yes. Was it a form of treating agoraphobia? Yes. Are the both forms mutually exclusive? No. My nightly activity proved both beneficial and counterproductive. But I learned something. It did something to my brain that is similar to addiction, therefore reinforced this behaviour. Next time I’m likely to repeat it.
I should deduce and analyse and come to some more profound, enlightening conclusions, like how to use this behaviour or this mental process in my treatment of other fears, or in my way of making better habits, or something. But maybe not today. Maybe tomorrow.
Have a nice day, y’all, Mos, and I.