Today I’m not too creative, thus the descriptive, boring, uncharacteristic title.
A quick recap.
I dreamt about being in a lecture, something like the evening university class, while my children were gone sleeping for the night at home with my husband. The lecture ended (I don’t think its content was important) and we were trying to open some windows, for which I gave advice. Then I got a phone call that my baby daughter is bleeding and my husband is taking her to a hospital. He said not to worry, he got this, I asked what’s wrong with her, I learned she didn’t have a cornea, and how was this possible, she was ok at birth … (I know I invented the problem on the spot. It was like in a lucid dream, because it wasn’t initially disclosed. Only after I insisted the dream gives me an answer, I got an answer.)
I have recurring dreams about lectures. Sometimes I’m late to them, sometimes I just dream of my college building. In today’s case, I think it was about me being back to learning. In real life, or day life, I’m again enthusiastic about learning new things, gaining confidence in acquiring knowledge. For years I’ve neglected the learning process, being in a sort of hibernating state, feeling stupid, and stupefied. I lost all the knowledge (I remember very little of everything) and felt that I’ve lost even the intellect. If not gone, it was at least dulled. Now I’m happy again to employ my little grey cells.
And, relevantly, I’m doing it apart from my family, stealing moments from every member, thinking of nothing but my projects, and in a way neglecting my family. Duh! Henceforth, my dream, where I was on a lecture away from my family.
What was that with the windows, I do not know. I guess it said something about me not minding my own business, but giving advice for petty stuff, losing focus and time. It was dark outside, the windows were big, stretching over the whole wall, with old, light grey blinds. There were a few students, hustling with the windows, while I was commandeering from afar. I don’t know what should this mean. That I’m bossy?
To be continued …
… continued; I’m reluctant to analyse the last part of my dream. Probably there hides the biggest problem. So, I confess, the relationship with my husband is tense lately. He’s under great stress at work, I sleep in the children’s room (well, I have a week will when my son says “Come to our room”, and my husband says “It’s ok”). We are both very tired, and snappy. He often reminds me of my mistakes (being always late would be most relevant here), and I presume he silently judges my hobby (writing, which I take more seriously).
In the light of this strained relationship, “I got this” is in my mind a judgmental statement, really meaning, “Where are you when your daughter needs you – doing trivial things …” Or so it is in my guilty subconscious.
Like now when she is waking up from her morning nap and I try to squeeze a few words in before she wakes completely. What will she have for breakfast? I don’t know, I’ll think of something later. What I should and what I shouldn’t do, regarding motherhood and a mother’s leave? I’m torn between my wants and my family’s needs. Blech. I’m rushing through this confession like through a room of mirrors where I don’t like what I see.
Well, this is quite hard to read, but it’s mostly for myself, so don’t worry if you want to quit.
— [Jack says] — You’re changing the subject and employing your “forgetting” defence mechanism. —
— [Don stares his stern look at him] — Way to go, distracting her to keep from resolving the dream. —
— [Mos waits patiently, non-judgingly] — Go on … **
Can I continue some other time?
Sure, but you know you want to finish this story otherwise it’ll hunt you. How about a break?
Okay. I’ll be right back. Maybe I’ll go throw some things away.***
The ‘right back’ turned out to be 8 days. Just to wrap up. The trail of thoughts is already cold. What you don’t do right away …
Our daughter had to go to the hospital, a day after she was born. She got a transfusion and all of her blood was replaced. It got to do something with my antibodies attacking her blood cells. Incompatible blood types. Do I think I am guilty? I may feel I reject her like my body (antibodies) rejected hers. Like I don’t love her. I think this feeling will stick with me forever. It doesn’t feel anguishing like some other type of guilt but it is insidious – I might be reserved towards her later in life. I might already have fear of hurting her again. And I might run away from such possibilities / run away from her.
I don’t feel much of this. Is it so deep or is it just speculation?
It is a possibility if it turned out in a dream. As for the invented “problem” – the missing cornea, I might have read about eyes or something, or it was a part of an eye that I think of first. It’s not important (in dreams everything has significance, but I am sure this particular notion is unimportant).
The hint of what is important was the blood, she was bleeding in the dream, and from her eye.
The blood means life, and if she bled (fast), she was dying (fast). And I was not there. I already analysed this. But there is also another feeling I get when remembering this part of the dream. I wanted to be there. I wanted to comfort and cuddle her. To be hers. To be completely devoted, no matter what. (Conflict of interests?)
And there are the eyes. A cornea might be dream-insignificant, but the eye! It’s one of the oldest symbols there is. There is even a hieroglyph of an eye (the Eye of Horus).
Eyes see, eyes take notice, eyes oversee, eyes are all-seeing. There are idioms, eye for an eye, an apple of her eye, etc. The eye is as strong and old a symbol as an apple, if not older and stronger.
Alright, what does this mean in my dream? If my daughter bled from eyes, does it mean she turned a blind eye? Blindness wasn’t mentioned. Crying blood? Bloody tears? Tears weren’t mentioned. She didn’t see me, and she bled? There it is again, not being there for her. But what with the eyes? Closing the eyes means dying. I don’t know, the answer eludes me. I’m sure there will be more opportunities to digest this issue if it is important, so I call it quits for now.
A comment. My daughter is extremely patient – in real life, as well as she was in the dream.
* How to analyse your dreams, a short post here (coming soon).
** You can learn about Jack, Don and Mos here.
*** I am a bit of a hoarder. It’s awful. So I’m now one week into a new habit of throwing away two things a day. Going well. I’ll tell a whole story some other day.