What a hectic week (now already weeks, since I started writing this post a week ago). A rollercoaster ride. Fast and with no reflecting time.
I had a dream. At the time I thought it was significant and it should be analysed. But this was a few days ago and memories of dreams fade… Then I had another dream the next day and it faded. I wrote them down anyway.
I decided I’ll give them a gross analysis. If they are significant, they deserve something.
But please, do not read on. It’s boring.
This week I also learned about Freudian slips and that Freud thought dreams were significant and were messages from our subconsciousness. I quite agree with him. (Even though I distrust his objectivity in general.)
My first dream was about my grandfather and grandmother on my father’s side. I remember this:
ACT 1 I was [somewhere] with my family and my grandfather came. I was somewhat surprised that he was there but I couldn’t remember why it should be such a strange moment. He seemed a bit different from what I remembered – but well, dreams are strange. He said he brought my grandmother. [For a visit, perhaps, or was it for her/them to stay?]. I thought/said, of course, and we went our own businesses. /
ACT 2 We (my family) were visiting my friend in a house full of guests. It was/ should be her house but again it was different, bigger, fuller, colder (less of her presence and more public, guest-house-like). We mingled and stuff and not much anyway, I remember a big table with people talking loudly and over one’s heads. /
ACT 3 It was about time we head home but they were in the middle of a nice company and were enjoying themselves. They said they’d stay there, they were completely satisfied, so thankyouverymuch. Hm, what now? And that’s it. I don’t remember whether we left them there or not. [I believe we went for another walk and left them to enjoy themselves for a while longer.]
The dream next day was hilarious. I dreamt I was Tom Cruise and I made a pact with the devil. And he said I was now obliged to do his bidding and I need to entertain a [fat?] lady [was she another celebrity / a known person to me / an opera singer – she was somebody who ranked higher in the dream than Tom Cruise, who was a commoner of sorts in the dream, but she still had no name]. I remember meeting the devil in some sort of a hallway, probably underground like halls in the subway but without people [except for maybe one or two bypassers], that he was a lanky middle age to old guy, gray hair, a bit of a joker and I know I know someone who he was like but I don’t remember who right now. I don’t remember what I asked of him, but there appeared a guy, maybe in a role of an elf but looking ordinary, maybe a bit short, who said, “you know you made a pact with the devil, right?” and I thought “I did, didn’t I, but why are you telling me this after it was already too late?” And then I went and made myself a fool / clown for the fat lady. This latter was in a space like a half of a velodrome building made into a theatre and I was looking to the theatre seats from behind (no people, maybe a rehearsal). It looked ordinary and was greyish, dirty, newspaper-pulp white. The halls underground had a bit dirtier yellow-white feel.
The second dream felt like we went to the right (everyone went to the right), and the first that we went to the left or going in circles / staying put.
Whatever comes to mind has weight in the analysis.
My grandfather is dead, but I didn’t remember that in the dream. He seemed strange – maybe because he came from beyond? Why didn’t I remember he was dead? Does it have something to do with my fear of dementia, of my grandmother who has dementia? Of my fear of the certainty I would get dementia?
I was so happy to see him, I think. There was also something of an urge to his statement, “I brought your grandma.” Did he bring her to me for safety or understanding? She’s got no one now, her son (my father) and daughter (my aunt) are fighting, and I’m afraid of her. I’m afraid of her being my mirror. I shy away from visits because I come back shaken. I already don’t remember much from my life. I hate it. And because the memory perception is subjective, nobody believes me I have dementia already. Or is it just a severe form of suppression? Can I get my memory back if it’s dementia? If it’s suppression? In any case, do I want my memories back? I also fear my memories.
The dream shook me. Because I think I wasn’t there for my grandparents when they needed me. I was selfish and terrified. The dead and the lost came to haunt me. Although my grandfather wasn’t threatening, he was more like imploring, resigned, factual, loving. I know I’m projecting, but this is my dream analysis. My take on the dream, my conclusions, my relevance and weight.
I went to see my grandmother a few days later. She was quite well, considering, we chatted a while, I felt remorse and I felt guilty of leaving too soon. I made a promise to return this week, which I may not stick to, and this is another fear – to not keep promises. But this was not in a dream.
Why were my grandparents paired with my friend? What do they have in common? They both come from the same county, like 15km apart. My friend’s husband is also deceased.
I trust my friend. She’s one of the two who invites us to parties (mostly children’s birthdays). But why was this friend in the dream, not the other one? Because I look up to her? Because I trust she knows more than me because she was through a lot and seems victorious to me? Because she seems grown up, unlike me who’s not matured yet.
I was happy for my grandparents they had such a great time. They never went anywhere, at least for the last few years.
Eh. I wish I could remember more. Maybe my wish is coming true through dreams. I must not fear. Deep breath. I fear, I’m anxious. Fortunately, my unsatiable curiosity will save me.
The second dream? I’m going to sleep now. I guess Tom Cruise will have to wait.
A curious coincidence: We searched for a movie to rent and see, and happened upon “The Mummy,” where Tom Cruise stars.
My Own Shrink 