The time of choosing the safe vs. the right-for-me came.
My first employment in the new not-even-started-yet business was my ole friends, the brothers Defence Mechanisms (DMs).*
I think I should look into the DMs deeper and elsewhen** longer. They are a big chunk to chew off my psyche cake. But for now, suffice it to say, being forced to choose felt like I was tied in a cage and wriggling to get free. I repressed the feelings, I intellectualise them (still), and so on. I chose something, just to get free, which is more than usual when I just postpone the decision. Or did I choose?
Just writing this, my level of anxiety rises. Repress, rinse, repeat. (Funny, I should call my DMs poison of choice the RRR procedure.)
I feel I’m just not up to the job. Not the private, choosing one, nor the offered one. I tried to wiggle out of the choosing by listing all of my bad habits, personality traits and past failures to my friend who offered the business venture. He waved them off as not relevant, he still valued me more than I did myself. I was baffled. I am worthless, ain’t I?
There’s so much crammed into this job-offer-chapter I don’t know where to start unpacking. So much anxiety, so much need-to-reassess my worth, my personality, my motivation, I just run from it.
I shouldn’t – I don’t want to. But I do. And I force myself into thinking about it. But I don’t get far. DMs wall. Procrastination. My posts are far in between.
Thus, the intellectualisation. Listing pros and cons. This post should have been about them but it isn’t. It’s again about me being confused.
But … so many buts … I did a little step forward. I found my restrictions. I knew I employed many DMs, but now I know they are a serious issue. I need to list them, not the job offer cons and pros, to be able to know myself better and to choose right.
I shouldn’t write posts for pleasing the readers (which aren’t many anyway, according to my stats), but I catch myself doing it. Probably another DM. I don’t want to lose readers with worthless posts like this. But I need to look at the big picture. This blog is about me growing up, growing and healing. I should write as many worthless posts as needed. Needed to become aware of my unconscious drive. To not be (as) driven by the unconscious (as I am now).
But there’s a benefit in writing posts to please the readers, or to get readers. It forces me to write. I should post once a week (as I should see a shrink once a week), but it’s still an achievement to post once a month. If I didn’t have a reader to please, I probably wouldn’t put my thoughts on paper, ever. And consequently, they’d remain tangled. Even if my readers don’t actually read my blog, you are still a sort of customers who need delivery (and I need deliverance, haha).
I’m glad to have forced myself to write this post. One step forward.
Now I think I need to go talk to Mos about my DMs. For two steps forward.
Sigh. Sign out.
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*A defence mechanism is an unconscious psychological mechanism that reduces anxiety arising from unacceptable or potentially harmful stimuli.
The most common defence mechanisms are repression (which is the basis for other defence mechanisms), identification, rationalisation, regression, projection, denial, intellectualisation, reaction formation, and sublimation.
Oh, and there is something like positive defence mechanisms. They’re called the mature defence mechanisms. This came as a surprise for me.