I got a job offer. No. I got an offer to venture into a business. I had so many emotions when it happened, joy, fear, hope, despair, itchiness for action, reality obliviousness, yearning for learning, etc. I didn’t consult Mos then. Maybe there was no time, but I regret not writing my thoughts down when emotions were still high.
With the time’s pass, all of those emotions reverted to my normal state of void. Really quickly. (I think, way back in my youth, I was brainwashed into thinking all emotions were bad, so I tried to repress them. Now it shows.) Still, I want to sort them through.
First, I think, there was euphoria.
That someone would pick me, for the things I would like to do, with whom I would like to work, no questions asked. I was so happy someone liked me. You know, like the picture of a too-many-times beaten dog in a corner that someone offers a pat? I shouldn’t feel beaten, my life is not that bad, but I do.
Of course, I didn’t just blindly say yes. I nearly said yes. And I said I’d think about it. And I was grinning from ear to ear.
Then, there was distrust.
There’s gotta be something wrong. I can’t just get something I like without there being a catch. Can I?
I thought I could just take action and think about my actions later. I wanted to do it. I wanted to create my own business, to be a boss, to create the structure of the company I think is right, to create standardisation that enables growth. I believed (I still do) that I am able to build such a company.
Normally, I don’t believe I’m capable of anything. It felt right. But it was a zeal over a specific time in the company’s life that didn’t exist yet. Thus, the stubbornness.
Soon, the fear crawled back. I’m ever cautious. Over-cautious. How can I do it? Can I do it? Must I do it? Can’t it be somebody else? Fear of responsibility. Fear of dragging someone down. My friend finds me capable, I regard myself lazy and slow. He’s an optimist, the polar opposite of me. I fear to make him miserable.
I’m a bit crazy, have no feeling for money – I spend too much, I want to pursue different goals in the long run. My friend doesn’t think it would be a problem. I want to believe it but I fear I’m unreliable.
Everyone thinks I’m reliable and organised. They all judge upon my public interface. I can be an actor. All depressed people can. All perfect on the outside, all rotten inside. And I wanted total openness and frankness with people with whom I go into business together. Did I fear he would think of me less when he gets to know me more? Did I think I would think less of him when I find out I cannot work with a polar opposite? Did I think I wouldn’t be able to be frank for long? Or, that only I would be frank and he would be a diplomatic ass?
You see, I have less obsessed with the business part than with my personality part. I came out of depression for the time I considered going into the business. Just the itchiness for action, positivity, proactivity.
I am confused. I have successfully put myself into a confused mode.
I anticipated my husband would be the hardest opposition, but he said I should do it. Never mind that he said it like “yes, you are lazy and waste your talents, doing nothing, so this is the opportunity to be a somebody. I’ll support you”. It hurt less then, when I was high from happiness that someone else thought me worthy, than it does now.
I’m angry. At my husband that he’s supportive from such a perspective. I’m angry at everyone. No one knows me. (I never have shown anyone who I am, so this is just my fault.) I’m angry at myself that I don’t know myself anymore. Am I a businessman or a loser? An action-taker or a whiney thinker? Once, I was confident. That was a long time ago, when I was a child. I don’t remember being depressed then.
Wouldn’t it be better to be oblivious to my imperfections than to doubt everything I see, feel, and think? Gaah, I’m going crazy. Crazier.
It’s exhausting. I’m going back to depression. It’s safer to do nothing, right?
I know this much that taking action is a cure for depression. So, what I’m waiting for?
The reasons against doing a business will be discussed in the next session.