Thoughts I have occasionally:
I’m such an awful person, it’s better I’d be dead or far away from doing damage.
I’m such a different person than everybody else, I’ve hard time fitting in and I always struggle.
But yet again, different is not bad, different is good for the mass. I’m on the far side of a Gaussian distribution. We were always told the far side was better than the anonimity of the majority.
If nothing else, the few specimen that are out of the majority are at least good for biological (or sociological) diversity.
So I only need to find my place and use in this world.
The next bout of insidious thoughts:
If I don’t find a use for me, my diversity is for nought.
If I do find my use, but don’t do anything to be useful (like now), then I’m wasting my life. It will be taken from me (aka I’ll get terminally ill).
No conclusion yet:
I know I shouldn’t be thinking in this way, but this line of thoughts pops up a lot. I’m acknowledging it here, but I I’ll yet to think the way out.