I came to my computer to blog, I got lost in the web. I’ve looked up some Christmas gifts ideas and read a few blog posts. One really long and I skipped a lot of it, understood little of it. Now it’s about an hour after the health recommended sleep curfew. Maybe two.
I’ve been exhausted, emotionally unstable and more depressed in general than I was in a long time. I’ve had a hypnopompic hallucination again. Low motivation. I think less sleep, less healthy food and vitamins, and more work-related stress are likely causes. No time to digest what’s happening.
Knowing the cause doesn’t diminish depression’s effect, though. I wish to postpone writing today. I have a few topics already in line. Each of them is long to write and I want to have a clear head when tackling them. Otherwise, their analytic benefits would be null – plain babbling. Like now.
I’m only writing this because I’m stubborn. To diminish procrastination and perfectionism. Because I miss writing. Usually, I love writing. Now I’m too tired and I’ll stick a tongue to everything and everyone, and I’ll be immature. Now I’ll go to sleep.
And I miss Jack and Don. I guess I need some energy, too, to hear them.
This is one of the universally occurring traits of depressed people. Maybe not all depressed people have low self-esteem but those who have are innumerable.
I haven’t given this much thought before I started this blog. I’ve thought about many of my traits, about reasons behind my depression attacks and so forth. But I’ve always just taken it for a given, having low self-esteem.
Well, time to check it. I believe in change. I believe I can change. I believe I can change my low self-esteem into … not so low self-esteem. Continue reading HW 2: Low self-esteem
The time of choosing the safe vs. the right-for-me came.
My first employment in the new not-even-started-yet business was my ole friends, the brothers Defence Mechanisms (DMs).*
I think I should look into the DMs deeper and elsewhen** longer. They are a big chunk to chew off my psyche cake. But for now, suffice it to say, being forced to choose felt like I was tied in a cage and wriggling to get free. I repressed the feelings, I intellectualise them (still), and so on. I chose something, just to get free, which is more than usual when I just postpone the decision. Or did I choose?
Just writing this, my level of anxiety rises. Repress, rinse, repeat. (Funny, I should call my DMs poison of choice the RRR procedure.) Continue reading The job offer, part 2: defence mechanisms
I got a job offer. No. I got an offer to venture into a business. I had so many emotions when it happened, joy, fear, hope, despair, itchiness for action, reality obliviousness, yearning for learning, etc. I didn’t consult Mos then. Maybe there was no time, but I regret not writing my thoughts down when emotions were still high.
With the time’s pass, all of those emotions reverted to my normal state of void. Really quickly. (I think, way back in my youth, I was brainwashed into thinking all emotions were bad, so I tried to repress them. Now it shows.) Still, I want to sort them through. Continue reading The job offer, part 1: emotions
My maternity leave has ended. Vacation started and has ended. Work has started. My blog has suffered a leave of absence.
I was so sure I’d be writing MOS regardless of what I do during the day. Wrong. There is a difference between being a stay at home mum and being a working mum. There are perks to each. In regard to being depressed or not, I choose work. I haven’t been as depressed because I had so much to do and little time to ponder. Of course, there’s still the same amount of work to be done on my issues. Different content, different flavours and triggers, but mostly same issues as before. More insight, less time to comb through a tangled mess of my thoughts.
I did three-quarters of my next-in-line homework but never posted. It says 9 August. It must wait. A lot has happened since I last posted. That must take priority. I’ll give you a blurb. Anney Bird’s real-life persona got a job offer. And a lot of compliments that she’s reluctant to take. A lot of thinking due…
I missed writing. Thus the clichés, and complicated words and sentences. Grammarly caught up with my inactivity, at last. Let’s see what it says tomorrow, in my weekly report.
P.s. I still have guilt over not posting, a need to prove myself to you. I shouldn’t. I should do it for myself, and the blog should just be a media type to do so. But… it is also a good thing. My guilt forces me to write eventually unless I want my few readers to pack and flee from boredom.
Well then, not so few words I hoped to write. I need to work on my eloquence, too. All in its own time.
I woke my own shrink in the middle of the night. Luckily, MOS is I.
This is just wonderful, having myself for a shrink. If I feel for a session in the middle of the night, I can do it, no resentment. Continue reading TS 3: Dealing with a peculiar panic attack
I wasn’t in too good a mood to start with.
My mother called by yesterday to check in on me and my (ill) children. It all looked it’d go for the better. She held my baby for me so I could go to the bathroom (for two days my girl was clinging to me any given second, even during sleep). She was playing with my son, we talked a little and then she declared she must go. Okay … my face fell. I was a bit clingy myself.
I fear to be alone with my children. I feel I’m not enough to keep them occupied, not caring enough to discern their needs, not motherly enough to enjoy spending time with them. I like someone to be around so they can step in if I screw up. So … Continue reading The tornado, so-called Mum