I feel quite optimistic today. Err, this morning (I don’t know what the future holds for me). I woke up at 4:30 am and decided it’s no use to go back to sleep if I intended to wake at 5. I checked some new blogs and my first likes of this blog and proceeded to my writing. I left my children sleeping peacefully and hoping for a little time off their radar. Oh-oh! As I write this, depression is creeping back into me.
Oh-oh! As I write this, depression is creeping back into me. I did feel rather uncomfortable when I woke. Constipation, I guess. Or a bad dream I had. But I also felt optimistic, and physical symptoms subsided quickly enough.
Bad and good decisions, not wrong and right. Or is it the other way around? I’m sleepy, tired, not focused. Why on earth would I come from being elated to being miserable so soon? The depression mechanism is strong. The Dark side is strooong. (I just hear Darth Sidious saying it.)
Let’s analyse. This post should be just a fill-in post since I haven’t posted a long time, not a true MOS session. But then … we should be adaptable.
1. First noticed depression trigger: Physical. I didn’t feel well, but I discarded the feeling. It got better so it might not be a part of the depression coming.
2. Second: A bad dream, trying to be forgotten or trying to be acknowledged – both needs in a clash. I dreamt about being in a lecture, something like the evening university class, while my children were gone sleeping for the night at home with my husband. The lecture ended (I don’t think its content was important) and we were trying to open some windows, for which I gave advice. Then I got a phone call that my baby daughter is bleeding and my husband is taking her to a hospital. He said not to worry, he got this, I asked what’s wrong with her, I learned she didn’t have a cornea, and how was this possible, she was ok at birth … (I know I invented the problem on the spot. It was like in a lucid dream, because it wasn’t initially disclosed. Only after I insisted the dream gives me an answer, I got an answer.) The dream analysis is a bit off course, so … here.
3. Third: Guilt. I slept relatively soundly through the night, only waking briefly. During this brief waking, I noticed I didn’t cover my son with a blanket. He always kicks them off of him and I cover him back a few times a night. This night I didn’t. Therefore, feelings of guilt. And we know how they trigger depression, right?
4. Fourth trigger: Indecision. I have trouble deciding. And when I do, I doubt my decision to the point of great anxiety.
I am lately sleep deprived. Starting a day at 4:30 or 5:30 am are two interchangeable, bad options. Pursuing a habit of writing every day (and doing other chores that I wouldn’t do later in the day) or going back to sleep?
I decided upon remaining awake sooner. And, inevitably, I regretted the decision. It would be the same if I chose the other option.
5. Going back and forth, wavering. Back to the trigger no. 1. I lack sleep, another physical trigger. Back to no. 3 and 4. I browsed the web, enjoyed losing myself in fruitless pursuits, whereas I should have done something productive with my time. Guilt over not sleeping more.
Probably all those feelings, fragments of thoughts (who knows how to name them) were silently working at the back of my mind, while I was relatively happy. Eventually, they won over and I reverted to my usual depressed version.
I feel better now that I explained it to myself. I’m posting it now, before editing, because I need to stop procrastinating and be active.
My next post will be the first (official) MOS therapy. If I don’t announce it, I may never post it. I may never be ready. It’s now or never. I can’t help hearing Elvis.