The flavours of my depression

Three days ago I posted my first therapy session, ‘The reasons why I get depressed‘. I wasn’t entirely satisfied with it, I couldn’t express properly. I was missing a proper word (oh, my dysnomia). I started writing that post in April, so I was missing the words for more than a month. It bothered me all this time.
But, looking on the bright side, I posted the article nonetheless, yippee! for me.

Today I remembered the word(s). Type, sort, form instead of reasons. I’m so relieved.

Also, I remembered another two forms, manifestations of my depression. This is why I’m doing another post rather than just editing the existing one. No, I’m covering the true cause. I’m doing it because the previous post has two likes on it, and it means I cannot touch it, at least not severely. (Where’s Jack to remind me I’ve yielded to vanity?!)

But I’ll be brief(er).

The forms/shapes/manifestations of my depression [and the abbreviations I coined for each one] These forms are associated with feelings (before D):
– guilt induced [GI];
– low self-esteem induced and underachievement [LSEI];
– fear of responsibility [FR];
– feeling sorry for someone/something [FSS];
– world-pain (similar to the previous) and sentimentality [WP];
– having regrets [HR];
– fear of dementia, of losing myself [DEM].

The first few forms somewhat overlap in their taste (i.e. GI, LSEI and FR are tightly connected by e.g. procrastination and perfectionism, while world-pain is almost an umbrella term for both being sorry for someone and being sentimental in this, depression, aspect). Having regrets is similar to guilt but also different – that’s why they are separated.

Then, there is another category. The shapes of thinking and organisational issues:
– memory loss and diminishing cognitive functions [DCF];
– perfectionism and over-maintaining overly high standards [PERF];
– productivity-conditioned happiness [PC].

My happiness is conditioned. My depression is productivity-oriented. If I don’t finish a task I gave myself, I feel worthless. And then I feel inept at estimations of my capabilities (too many tasks in a day) …

The next category is undercurrents, the cognitive processes that occur in many of the other D types:
D = indecisiveness, the inability to decide [INDCSS];
D = inability to gain control over my life [IGCOML];
D = self-deprecating thoughts in a loop [INALOOP].

I gave them long abbreviations because they cover a broad spectrum of issues. They are also different than the other types (like cream vs. fruit based ice cream). These shapes are almost depression causes. These cognitive processes will be the hardest to change.

Another edit (‘add-it’). These shapes got to do with physical conditions:
– sleep/rest deficiency [SRD];
– nutrition and exercise deficiency [NED];
– external stimuli (especially art and the things I like) deficiency [ESD]; and
– hormonal imbalance (actually more a cause than trigger).

The first two are so obvious that I usually forget about them, but the third has struck me as an A-ha moment. I have bad eyesight, smell very little and probably hear less than an average person. So this might add to my depression (subtract from my happiness). I got this idea here. The article in this link gave me also a better view of the terms used for depression (episode, recurrence, relapse, remission, recovery).

How depression occurs? What is the terminology I use?
The causes of depression are something big, like gene predisposition, depression in your closest environment, stressful events, etc. The episodes are longer periods of depression. They are triggered – by smaller events or thoughts. What comes after a trigger and a little way into a specific depression feeling is a choice what to do with the trigger. Those choices we cannot resolve grow into a depression occurrence (my sort of episodes, short and often). Those feelings in an occurrence are of different flavours, these are my depression types/sorts/shapes/manifestations. The triggers and their outcomes are of the same flavours (as listed above).
I might be wrong, but this is how I see the classification.

 

Now I feel I covered every aspect and I’m quite satisfied with myself.

Mos says I’ll have at least one homework per each form so I won’t go into details here. She also says my homework is still due in the next therapy session. Listing the triggers of my GI form.

 

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