TS 6: Egophobia

A post which was not posted when it was written. (A couple of months ago?) I think I thought then it wasn’t finished or perhaps that it was crap. I won’t have it go to waste and I won’t spend time making it complete or better. I’ll just post it as it is. Maybe I just forgot to hit Publish.
Anyway, the point of this blog is to have therapy sessions. Who knows how many crappy therapy sessions shrinks have behind those closed doors.

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I feel like crap. I hate myself, I think I’m of no use in this world. And I can’t go to sleep because I’m disgusted with myself, how I’ve put my children to sleep, how I can’t talk with my husband (or thinking that I might be entitled to more help, which I probably am not), how I don’t deserve to go to sleep if I didn’t do what I had on a list today (and failed to do many days before), and for trying to do the impossible and yet thinking that the impossible is just in my head and I’m just looking for excuses.
I feel alone (misunderstood) and want to be alone because who’d want to be with me when I’m such a bad company.

Jack and Don scream at me to stop, otherwise, Mos can’t be heard.

Most days, my thoughts revolve along these lines. Today I’ve decided I do something about it. I came here. I coined the term egophobia, because I can’t stand being alone with (such) my thoughts. Of course, the perfectionistic side of me forced me to research if this is a valid term. Not. It doesn’t exist, according to the Internet. We have autophobia and many other phobias, and we have egophobes, according to the Urban Dictionary. My ol’ suffering falls only under the self-hatred category or most of the articles call it plain anxiety.
It’s a bit disappointing.

It’s also a bit like a cold shower. I guess, I had my tantrum, and now I’m ready to listen and be cured (as if I believed in the positive outcome).

Too much is going on in my head. I’ve always wanted to be able to shut down my thoughts. And voila, watch what you wish for, I’ve highly developed repression (defence mechanism) and almost no memories. Pathetic. I’m a terrible person. An awful parent, and … here we go again. A loop.

I want to go to sleep. I have a severe cold, a project to finish at home, many projects to finish at work, and my daughter is ill so I cannot send her to the babysitter. And when she’s better, my turn won’t come. It’s always someone’s else’s turn to be ill. Can’t I have a day off? It’s a rhetoric question. No wonder I don’t want to grow up. Being a responsible adult sucks. It’s a depressing prospect.

— [Jack, maybe Don] — Aren’t you glum.
— [He’s quite sarcastic, but it seems to be working. I feel a bit insulted so I fight back.] — 

Well then.

— [Mos] — You’ve successfully stopped the negative thoughts loop. 

Sort of. I’m also too tired to play them anymore. I resign for today.

So how can I help you? 

Uhm… by telling me something positive about me?

You know that if you are too tired to think straight, I’m too tired to think objectively? But I’ll try.
For a start, you do try to get better. You try to change, you keep pushing (I know, you say it’s the stubbornness), you keep standing back up when defeated. 

It’s hard. Why couldn’t I just win and be over with it? Is it just me who’s making things more complicated than they are? My husband says so. I’m a complicator. But I don’t feel like one. I feel everyone else is making a wrong picture of myself while, in fact, they are being complicators. Perhaps. I can’t judge. I believe the truth is what the majority says.

By the way, I’ve watched a few cartoons today. To feel better. Because I don’t have time (or money) for reading which is super best for curing my depression. Cartoons are the second best thing. For which I also don’t have time but I was really really low.

— [Jack] — You know changing a subject is a form of a defence mechanism?

Did it help?

It did improve my overall mood. But it didn’t help with being behind work. As does not to write this post. I should better be sleeping.


About the survivor guilt – some other time.


Temporary off the grid

I’m not dead. I’m just not present. I’m frozen in my inactivity to the point of anguish.

It’s got to do with the changing of priorities and the lack of time to do both the blog (self-therapy) and the supplanted priority (a project).

The blog, I don’t do. And the project, sure enough, I don’t do either. Because it’s all up to me and I get crushed by the responsibility, every time I got a little time to do it. And down the vicious circle I go, blaming myself for not doing it, and telling myself it’s not that hard, wondering why I don’t do it then, and telling myself I should do at least something, not doing anything, and feeling a loser.

I’m following the instructions in Dr. Burn’s book Feeling Good, and it helps a lot, not to give in to depression. But I do it only by halves, a little bit now, a little bit then, and it’s not enough to be free from anxiety.

I feel better now, to have spilled the beans. You’d ask if it was hard to write a few words. Yes it was.

P.s. I think my internet isn’t working. Another frustration.

A little hoarder

I think, on average, people tend to be hoarders more than the opposite. Whether you are a hoarder depends on a definition of when the hoarding starts to be obstructive, impeding.

My hoarding is impeding. It’s been clear to me for a long time I need to do something about it. My belongings take up more space than what’s my home. I dumped a few things at my mother-in-law’s and I used to have a storage at my grandmother’s before my mother claimed that space and showed me the door. Now, most of that is in my basement.

I’ll skip the details for those of you who can relate. The ones who cannot – you probably don’t read this. Continue reading A little hoarder

Dream analysis 3

This won’t be much of an analysis, as I don’t have much time. Just a recap.
The dream was a bit scary.

I dreamt about my friend whose husband has committed a suicide a few years ago. She called me to have a chat. She told me her husband is back and is planning another suicide. I was surprised. She said he has this special ability to trick other people. He can manipulate time or whatever so you can see him in one place, and in the next second, you can see him somewhere else. It’s not that he can move in a blink, but he freezes time and goes on with his business. Of course, most people don’t see him doing that, but she learned about it.
He faked his death, and now he’s come for revenge. For what, I don’t know. My friend was quite desperate. She told me he was weird and she wanted to get lose of him.
The husband came by. He said hello, talked a bit, was all sweet and the situation looked a-ok. But then I saw him in action. He demonstrated a bit. Then I was in another room or place, frozen and my friend was left alone with him. I was worried.
When I came back my friend was nowhere to be seen. But there was meat everywhere (not blood, but fish fillet-like pieces). I asked where was my friend. He said “There!” and showed me on the shelf. I repeated, “Where is my friend?” because I didn’t want to play along. And he repeated “There!” and showed me another place. And so forth a few times. “And where are the children?” He told me they were ok. (I believed him.)
I was left for home, feeling unwell, like I failed to stop the husband from killing her (because she was nagging him). My husband asked where or how was my friend and I said he was taking care of her. I started to worry to say too much. He could be watching right now. He could be invisible. Oh, he could be watching anytime.

It was a quite unnerving experience.

A mental hangover

I sit by my laptop, it’s 4 am. I’ve wanted to sort out my feelings about holidays but I’ve given up. I’ve read a few blog posts since 2 am, commented some, and decided I need to post something, however short.

To say I’m still kickin’, right?

I still hate holidays. They aren’t healthy for me. I eat too much sugar, I sleep less (I was wrapping presents for three nights, for not a few hours), I work more (ironical, isn’t it?), I run from place to place (to every relative), I worry more (about everything I can think of).

I wanted to post a Christmas salute for Christmas but I couldn’t do it perfectly (I couldn’t find the cable for my drawing tablet), so I didn’t do it. Sorry.

I wanted to post a Christmas salute for the New Year, but I also missed the deadline (sleep and wrapping-up-gifts priorities). Sorry.

Happy New Year! 

Lame, but it’ll do.